Tuesday, December 20, 2011

What do I drain? Oh that's right . . . Excellence

It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Slow and steady wins the race.

It's not how you start, but how you finish.

Attrition is the key to victory.

I could go on for days with other cliches that demonstrate my greatness. The kid on the other hand, has lost a little bit of focus. I know what you're thinking: 2 year olds have the attention span of a gold fish. Not my problem. The kid jumped out to an early lead and everyone jumped on the band wagon.

"Let's take him to Vegas."   "All the research doesn't do you any good, if a kid can pick better than you."    "How's it feel to be bested by a 2 year old?"

Where are all those people now? Shhhhh . . . . . . . . I don't hear them. The band wagon is empty.

Yah, I know he's only 2 and I'm rubbing it in his face. So what? I'm an ass. You should have seen the smug looks on the kids face every week I went over there while he was beating me. Giving me that devilish little smile. His spiky blonde hair mocking me every second. Well who's out front now little guy?

Here is how the week went:

The kid had a 2-1 lead going into sunday, as he was the only person to pick the Falcons on Thursday and everyone picked Dallas on Saturday. He wouldn't win many more after this.

Dolphins beat Bills in the Snow
Me: Dolphins
Kid: Bills

This game really wasn't as close as the score showed. Buffalo rallied late with a TD pass to CJ Spiller to make it look close. It was cool to finally see a game in the snow. Turns out, Reggie Bush, pretty good in the snow. 25 Carries, 203 yards, and 1 penalty for sliding in the End Zone after a TD. A penalty for sliding? Really? How much does it suck to be a ref? And no, I'm not just saying this because I hate refs, umps, and everyone else of their ilk. They get yelled at all game and best case scenario is that only team is pissed at them after the game. Personally I think they are all just on a power trip. "Oh look at me, I'm in control. I haven't thrown a flag in awhile, better find something to penalize."

I hate refs.

How pissed is Tony Sparano? As a coach who has been fired himself you always tell people you hope that team does great without you. But on the inside you are hoping they never win a game and get beat so bad that they have to implement a new mercy rule just to end the game. I know Sparano wanted nothing more than the Dolphins to go up to Buffalo and get throttled. But maybe not as much as another coach we will discuss later.


Seattle & Arizona keep pace in the battle for false hope
Everyone picked Seattle & Arizona

I know these teams aren't very good, but lets be honest, they have the same record as the NY Giants. Everyone thought the NY Giants were a playoff team and had a chance at beating the Packers in the playoffs before this weekend. At least at the start of the season, when they were both losing, each teams fan base could look forward to their high draft pick for next year. Now, both of these teams will narrowly miss the playoffs and get a mid-teens draft pick. Seattle has finally mastered the formula for continued mediocrity.



Indy shocks the world
Me: Colts
Kid: Tennessee

I would like to fault the kid for making a bad pick here, but he wasn't alone. Everyone else picked Tennessee to not only win, but cover as well. Everyone except me that is. Pretty sure I called this one. If you don't remember, go back and look. And if you do remember I ask that next time you see me you bow in my presence. It's ok, I stretched this morning so I won't hurt myself patting my own back.


Kansas City gives Todd Haley a big &%$* you
Me: Green Bay
Kid: Green Bay

Two important things here:
1) Todd Haley needed to be put on suicide watch Sunday. He gets fired earlier in the week, then sees his former team go out and play inspired football to beat the only undefeated team in the NFL. That has to suck.  It's one thing for your team to win after you get canned, but to play better than they have all season, that's a good reason to get wheel barrow drunk.

2) I had a 3 team teaser going Sunday morning. Carolina to cover (which they did), Indy to cover (which they did) and Green Bay to only win by 7 or more. I thought Green Bay was my safest pick. Little did I know that their linemen all went out to stuff themselves with some Missouri BBQ food the night before and wouldn't be able to move on Sunday. When did the Chiefs D-line become the best in the NFL? They were simply running past the Packers O-line and hitting Aaron Rodgers. It's safe to say that I did not get this one right.

Some credit should go to Brent and the Huhns for picking the Chiefs. . . Ok, that's enough.


St. Louis & Cincinnati push
Our first push of the year. How uneventful. Cincinnati keeps their playoff hopes alive, but helps nobody out in the process. This would come from a Marvin Lewis team, who ties Colts head coach Jim Caldwell as the most boring coach in the NFL.


New Orleans crushes Minnesota
Me: Minnesota
Kid: New Orleans

I went out on a limb with this pick. Then the limb snapped and I fell 40 feet to the ground and landed on a sharp rock. Hey, you can't get them all right. Let's add Leslie Frazier to that list of corpse head coaches. Speaking of which, I don't know who calls the plays on offense for Minnesota, but thanks for not getting Percy Harvin the ball. I really appreciate the 0 points he put up in my fantasy league this week.

Week 13: 13 touches, 175 yards, 2 TD
Week 14: 14 touches, 109 yards, 1 TD
Week 15: 4 touches, 7 yards, 0 TD

If you are the Minnesota offensive coordinator you have 2 weapons: Adrian Peterson and Percy Harvin. How do you not get both of them the ball? How have these guys not been fired yet? They are 2-11 and their wins are against Arizona and Carolina, both in the first half of the season. Miami was 4-9 and fired their coach. Kansas City can technically still make the playoffs and they fired their coach. What does this guy have to do to get fired?


NY Giants screw me again
Me: NY Giants
Kid: NY Giants

I knew it would happen. Here were my exact words: "The Giants should cover this easily, but I do feel like Eli is gonna bend me over on this one."
Why didn't I listen to myself? Did anyone watch this game? The Giants fell behind by 20. To the Redskins. Their only TD was by Ahmad Bradshaw, who has 6 all year, and he happened to be playing against me in my TD only fantasy league. Awesome. What a weird way to kick me in the jewels after you punched me in the throat. Ah, Eli.


Carolina beats the streaking Texans
Me: Carolina
Kid: Houston

The kid rode the hot streak of TJ Yates and the Texans here and he got burned. Tough one. If only someone would have known that the Texans might be in letdown mode and that the Panthers would win. Bummer. Wait! Let's go back to my picks:

Houston makes it to the playoffs for the first time ever on a last second TD last week. Classic letdown game this week.


Weird. Who would have thought? Excuse me, I need to go drain something real quick.



Detroit wins, doesn't cover
Everyone picked Detroit

The Lions actually had to come back to win this game. Sure they were on the road, but come on. The Lions are currently a playoff team. They need to be better than this.

One quick question: how come nobody covers Calvin Johnson? He is one of the best receivers in the league right? If I know that, you would think defenses would. It's not like the lions have another star receiver that you have to double team. Johnson continues to get open late in games all over the field. This is mind boggling to me. What is the thought process here? You know who they are throwing to, why would you let him get open?


The battle of good vs. evil
Me: Patriots
Kid: Patriots

This was the Menace's only afternoon win and it was good to see the kid join the dark side for this game. However, I did have to wait for him to get home from church to make his picks on Sunday. I know buddy, its hard the first time you cross over. You feel bad about yourself. What have I done? Is this really the way I want to go? You do things to make up for your bad choices, like go to church, help old people. Don't worry, it gets easier. Soon enough you won't even give it a second thought. And you will never want to help old people. . . . don't get me started.

Don't ever doubt Belichick. He has powers you can't even begin to comprehend.


The Eagles ride the trail
Me: Eagles
Kid: NY Jets

We're on the trail baby!! This game was horrible to watch. Turnovers. Bad defense. I actually thought this would be a lower scoring game, which is why I took the under. Then they go and put up 64 points. Good call by me. I went 4 for 6 on my bets this weekend. Sounds good right? Not when you have 2 three team teasers and lose one in each set. This happens more than you'd think.

If they Cowboys find a way to lose this week, which they will since it's December, then this trail turns into a nice paved road. Speaking of America's team, did you know Dallas has only won 1 playoff game since 1996. Just 1. The Eagles could be a dangerous team if they make it in, the Cowboys will not.



What the hell happened to Baltimore?
Me: San Diego
Kid: San Diego


First off, lets tackle Flacco's mustache. Some people can pull off a fu man chu, but he is not one of them. Maybe if he didn't have the facial expressions of eyore from winnie the pooh he could do it. I'm pretty sure you have to ride a bull, harley davidson, or lion in order to have one of these.




Second, I have to agree with Bill Simmons. As much as I like Ray Lewis it's about time for him to stop doing his way over the top, increasingly animated, pregame speeches. I'm all for getting fired up. But when your team comes out and plays like they just got shot with a tranquilizer dart, it loses it's luster. The Chargers dominated the Ravens, another playoff team. It's not looking good for some of these top seeds going into the end of the season.







Brents 49ers get it done.
Me: 49ers
Kid: Steelers

I should give credit to Brent for this one. Mostly since if I would have lost I would completely blame him. The 49ers did win and Brent was right. But the big story here is how the hell an NFL team, on Monday Night Football, can lose power to their stadium during a game not once, but twice. Is there a light switch on the wall somewhere that any drunk idiot can accidentally switch it off? Do they keep their transformers in a place where rowdy tailgaters can get to them? This was a little embarassing I thought. My favorite part was when ESPN brought on there reporter from ESPN desportes to talk about the power outage.

"Uh, they won't tell me much about it. But I do know that something is wrong because everyone is scrambling around frantically trying to fix it."

Wow. That guy is good. And why did it have to be the guy from ESPN Desportes? Did all the stadium workers only speak spanish and he was the only one who could talk to them? If so, shouldn't he have had better information?

So confused. Oh well, let's wrap this up.


This was my best week so far and Brent had a big week, which I also called. Don't worry, my head still fits through all doors. The kid went down a little this week and the Huhns continue to drop from their high spot.

This week:

Me 9-6-1
Brent 9-6-1
Huhns 7-8-1
Kid   6-9-1

Season
Me: 43-41    51%
Kid:  40-44  48%
Brent:  27-29 48%
Huhns:  22-20  52%

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