We will have a short recap of last week, then move straight in to this week's picks. Last week was not a good week for me, but luckily the kid failed to seize the opportunity to run away the lead while I was down. He just doesn't have the true killer instincts needed to win this kind of race. Maybe when you turn 3 buddy.
I don't know how the rest of your lives work, but I will explain to you how mine goes. Everytime I get to the top, take the lead, start to feel good and become confident, I get dropped out of the sky like an American spy drone. . . . . Any news watchers out there? Spy drone? Iran? . . . . . Nobody? Our President asked for it back. Google it, you'll find out.
So here I am, last week, finally overtaking the kid and well on my way to super stardom; then week 16 comes along and punches me square in the berries. 6 for 16. I could have lined up all 32 teams logos, drunkenly pissed of 16 of them to choose my winners this week, and probably not have done worse. For those of you who are not math people, I was just a little better than 1 for 3 this week. A coin is better than that. A 2 year old, who picks both teams every time we put the logos out and has to reminded, every time, to only pick one team did better than that. A 3 year old, who once took a crap on his own floor, then was surprised to see it when he turned around, did better than that. Brent, who is now a successful business man in the wine industry, but once took a full semester off to play video games, did better than that. I am embarassed.
So, Team Staton will only be playing a half this week. Only one column. We are resting our starters and saving our energy for the playoffs. Here's how week 16 played out:
Teams that helped me last week (There weren't many):
Cincinnati beats Arizona
Let's be honest here. I needed 2 miracles just to cover in this one. Miracle #1: a Bengal receiver does a front flip over a Cardinal defender to score a TD. Miracle #2: a Cardinal receiver falls down in the end zone to not score a wide open TD at the end of the game. Without either one of these I start out the week 0 for 4.
Pittsburgh crushes St Louis
This win put me at 2 for 8. Gross. Really? Pittsburgh demolishes a horrible St Louis team, who didn't see this coming? A blind, retarded monkey with only one arm could have picked this game.
Carolina beats down Tampa Bay
This was another blind, retarded, one armed monkey game. How bad is Tampa Bay? I'll tell you. They are so bad that their head coach had to come out and say that he would not fire himself. . . . . . Really? What's the guy supposed to say? Hell yah I would fire myself, have you seen that team out there? We are horrible? I'm terrible at doing this. Most of the time I just close my eyes and point to a play on this sheet, and thats what we run.
Best thing about these 2 monkey games? They both eluded the Huhn's somehow. And they still finished 2 games better than I did. I am currently digging myself a hole to crawl in and die.
Philly does their part to stay on the trail
Sadly, there is no more trail. But we will get to that later. I would like to go on about how the kid got this game wrong and I got it right, but I did lose to him this week. So I won't say anything about how he was the only person to get this game wrong.
San Fran escapes Seattle
How did the almost lose this game? Aren't they one of the best teams in the NFL? I don't care about Seattle's "Clink" stadium and the 12th man. You almost lost to Tavaris Jackson. You gave up your first running TD to a guy who likes to have skittles thrown at him. I can't wait to bet against you in the playoffs. No, I do not think Alex Smith is good enough to win a playoff game. Tell me I'm wrong.
Green Bay crushes Chicago
I'm starting to realize that the only games I won were the easiest ones to pick. You could have gone up to a homeless guy, who lives in a box and said: "Hey homeless guy, do you think the best team in the NFL, who needs to win this game, will beat an average team, who is playing their 3rd QB, by more than 14?"
And his response would have been: "Of course they will, what kind of dumb ass question is that?"
Now let's talk about all the ways I got screwed last week:
I was the only idiot to pick Kansas City, Tennessee, and Atlanta. Special thanks to Atlanta who showed no desire to win that game at all. New Orleans doesn't even play defense, at least make it close.
We all picked San Diego, Baltimore, Denver, and New England. How does Tim Tebow play that bad on Christmas Eve? I feel a disturbance in the force. I would also like to thank Philip Rivers, who's 2 TDs in 2 games have taken me from 1st place to 4th place in my fantasy league. I hope he breaks his leg this week.
The Giants killed the trail. It's not often that you get screwed by a fat guy on Christmas Eve, but it happened this year. Rex Ryan not only couldn't find a way to rally the troops and cover against the Giants, but took my Eagles comeback trail and crapped all over it.
Week 16
Me 6-10
Kid 7-9
Huhns 8-8
Brent 8-8
Season Totals
Me 49-51 49%
Kid 47-53 47%
Huhns 30-28 52%
Brent 35-37 48%
Week 17 Picks
Philadelphia -8 vs. Washington
Eagles have won their last 4. Redskins have lost 3 of their last 4. I think the Eagles players actually like Andy Reid and are going to play hard for him in this last game. I think the Redskins players hate Mike Shannahan, and won't play as hard in hopes that he gets fired.
Indianapolis +3.5 at Jacksonville
As much as I hate this pick, look at the other side of it. You want me to believe that Jacksonville (4-11) is not only going to win this game, but win it by more than a field goal? You can't talk me into that. Plus, I'm starting to buy in to Bill Simmons theory that the Colts players want to win this game for Peyton Manning. They want him to remain a Colt and retire there. It's a veteran team, and they respect what Peyton has done for them. I can believe that.
San Francisco -10.5 at St. Louis
The 49ers need this game to get a bye and host their 1st game. St Louis isn't even playing Sam Bradford. The 49ers need to find some offensive firepower before they go into the playoffs. St. Louis has only been within 10 points 5 times all year and that includes their 2 wins. Besides, if the Rams lose, they can do what they'd like with the #1 overall pick, which would be twice in the past 3 years.
Minnesota -1.5 vs. Chicago
Forget about Chicago's QB troubles. Did you know that under Lovie Smith the bears are 2-5 against the Vikings in Minnesota?
Detroit -3 at Green Bay
Flip a coin. Green Bay isn't playing anyone and Detroit has a playoff spot locked up. Why are they even playing this game? My only hope is that the game means more to the Lions than it does to the Packers.
NY Jets +3 at Miami
I hate this pick. I think Miami is by far the better team right now. But according to ESPN the Jets have a 10.4% chance of making the playoffs. Why wouldn't you play hard if you still had a chance? Guess we will find out on Sunday when the Jets lose by 28.
New Orleans -8.5 vs. Carolina
I really wanted to take Carolina here, but the Saints at home are a different animal. They have only played 1 single digit home game all year and still have an outside shot at the #2 seed in the NFC.
Houston +2.5 vs. Tennessee
I literally flipped a coin for this game. Well, not literally, I used an app on my phone. But it came up heads and that means Houston. If you can't figure out the code I used for that, find a large, heavy object and hit yourself in the head with it.
New England -10 vs. Buffalo
Belichick, no questions asked. People will say a lot of things about me when I die. But my unwavering loyalty will not be something of question.
Cincinnati +1.5 vs. Baltimore
I looked at no data for this game. It's at Cincinnati and the Bengals need the win to get into the playoffs. That's all there is. Plus, Andy Dalton looks more like me than Ray Lewis does.
Pittsburgh -6.5 at Cleveland
I know the Browns covered last week against the Ravens. But I refuse to get screwed over twice in two weeks by a team that is named after the color of fecal matter.
Atlanta -11 vs. Tampa Bay
This line should be higher. No chance the Bucs keep this one close. Especially after the Falcons got embarrassed on Monday night and took me hopes and dreams down with them. You know what it is like to live without hopes and dreams? It's grey. Not even gray, which is the more exciting spelling of the word. It's grey. Like the 9 straight months in Seattle when the sun refuses to show itself.
San Diego +3 at Oakland
It's the last week of my fantasy season. My only chance of winning some real cash is if Philip Rivers throws some $%&*ing touch downs. For the love of God, put some points up one time this year.
Denver -3 vs. Kansas City
I think everyone, including myself got a little too excited over the Chiefs win against the Packers. Tebow has to win this game to get into the playoffs. And if there is one thing he knows how to do, that is win. Orton vs. Tebow, the friendliest hate battle ever?
Over under on compliments Tebow gives to Orton during the game: 13
Arizona -3 vs. Seattle
Both these teams got bounced out of the playoffs last week. Who called the false hope season? Oh that's right, me. Turns out, the difference between going 7-9 and 8-8 is almost 10 picks in next years draft. How bad do you really want to win this game?
NY Giants -3 vs. Dallas
Neither one of these teams deserves to make the playoffs. How bout if they tie, play through overtime and tie? Can the NFL just put another team in the playoffs? Just throw another AFC team in. Nobody will care. This game has got blown up into the ultimate end of the season finale. I hope it ends up 4-2, with 3 safeties.
Good Luck to all of you with your week 17 picks, and I will see you in the playoffs
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