To New Beginnings

In everything that happens, there comes a time where you need to start anew. The Cougs decided it was time to end the era of Paul Wulff, and got a new head Coach in Mike Leach. It was time. Not only was Pual Wulff a moron, but he looked like a moron. He wore sweatpants with polo shirts, always had a big dumb animal look on his face, and didn't even have a good head coach strut. If you are going to be an idiot, at least fool people by looking like you know what you are doing. Now begineth the Leach era. First off know this, nobody in Pullman cares if Mike Leach locks a different player each day in a dark room. In fact when I went there, they called this hangover management. Mike Leach is the best thing to happen in Pullman since the dry campus initiative was lifted.
The biggest new beginning is that I am now a father to a little baby girl named  Karlee Michelle. Now if some of you out there are worried by the fact that I am now responsible for a small child, don't worry. I'm just as shocked as you are.

Quick time out here. I completely understand that child birth is a miracle of life and that people want to have children and raise a family. But this was the most horrific thing I have ever been through in my entire life, and I really didn't even do anything. If you have been through this before, you know what I'm talking about, and if you haven't I will spare you the details. But my wife went through the entire thing drug free (big Props to her), and the whole time I'm sitting here "coaching", wondering why the hell people do this to themselves. Horrific. That's the only word I can think of to describe it. Imagine somebody comes up to you and says "I have this free puppy for you, but in order to get it I am going to beat you with this aluminum baseball bat for 10 hours."

Back to football. Over the Thanksgiving weekend. Brent, the kid, and I all went 7 for 14, while the Huhns went an astounding 9 for 14. If it were possible for Mrs. Huhn to unclench the death grip, I would say pack that kid up and take him to Vegas. Nothing against Mrs. Huhn, if my husband bounced every week and left me with a 3 year old and a newborn I'd have his man marbles in a vise myself. That being said, I probably won't be allowed at their house for a couple of months.

Here are the years totals so far:

Kid (The Menace) 28-28
Me                        26-30
Brent                     13-15
Huhns                    9-5

A couple of things to point out here: The Menace and I continue to dance and team Haselhuhn comes out of nowhere and uses their over-sized heads to pull out a win in their first week. Since the games were 2 weeks ago I won't go into a break down. Really I don't want to talk about it because it hurts my pride. We have 4 weeks left in the regular season and 4 weeks of playoffs left to go. So I'm starting over. Rededicating myself to my picks each week. Setting my sights on a miniature calvin and hobbes look alike.

On to week 14

Cleveland +14 at Pittsburgh
This is a lot of points for an NFL game. You are a pro football player, meaning you are in the top 1% of what you do. And you are going into a game being told you will lose by 2 touchdowns. How does that feel? That would be like me as a teacher showing up for school and the principal telling me that somebody else is going to teach my honors classes because I suck too much to teach them.

Cleveland has only broke 13 points once in their last 7 games and are averaging only 11.5 points per game over that span. So say they score 12, that means the Steelers need 27 to cover the spread. The Browns have given up 27 or more twice all year, and the Steelers have only broken 27 three times all year.

Hey, I'm starting over right? You have to put yourself out on a ledge in you want to be a winner.


NY Jets -9 vs. Kansas City
Kansas City Head Coach to his starting QB Tyler Palko last week during the Chicago game:
"Palko, you are horrible. We can't get anything going on offense. Where did you learn to play football? Do you even know what plays I am calling? Why did we even draft you?"
"Orton! Get in there, Palko is done."
First play, Orton dislocates his finger on a flea flicker.
"Palko! All that stuff I said two minutes ago . . . forget it. You're our guy. We never wanted Orton in the game anyway. Get in there and lead us to victory."

How bout the most awkward 5 minutes in a football game ever. What do you say to a guy 1 play after you bench him, now that you have to put him back in the game? What kind of confidence level does that guy have going back in? How the hell did the Chiefs end up winning this game?

If the Fighting Ryans have any chance of making the playoffs, then they have to go on a winning streak at the end of the season. Jets are at home and the Chiefs are really bad. Besides, tell me when you hear and see Tyler Palko that you aren't thinking Footsteps Falco from "The Replacements".





Philly +3 at Miami
Why won't Philly win this game? They are clearly more talented. Miami is probably the better team, but not on paper. Vick is back, Maclin is back, and DeSean Jackson has "met effort and preparation expectations of the coaching staff". Plus, Andy Reid might be coaching for his job these next 4 games.

By the way, Andy Reid is the Captain of my all Treadmill team. Along with Charlie Weis, the Ryan Brothers,  Romeo Crennel, and Mark Mangino. How bout that lineup coming at you in a Buffet?

If I hung out with people like this I would look like a Greek God.


Indianapolis +16.5 at Baltimore
I have two thoughts on this game. Teams going ATS (Against the Spread) tends to even out towards the 50% mark over the course of a season, regardless of their record. Indy is 3-9 ATS so far this year, so the law of averages says they are due to cover. Secondly, it was brought up by Bill Simmons that it is very hard to get pumped up to play a horrible team. Teams will generally come out and put some points on the board, do enough to win, and then lose interest and allow the bad team to creep back into it. Look at the Patriots game against the Colts last week. New England came out hot, put up a bunch of points, then let the Colts come back in the end to cover the spread.

Cincinnati -3 vs. Houston
Cincinnati has 5 losses, but 4 of them are to Baltimore, Pittsburgh, or San Francisco. I actually think the Bengals might push for a Wild Card spot, but they have to get past Houston first. Another thing we missed while I was gone was the Matt Leinhart cameo. This guy goes from national star, heisman winner, national champion to nobody. I think Kurt Warner was feeding him bad info in Arizona all those years. Anything he could tell him to keep from progressing so Kurt could keep playing. You don't make it up from the Super Market league without learning a couple of tricks along the way. TJ Yates isn't as bad as Footsteps Palko in KC, but he isn't worth changing the channel for either. The Bengals will focus on stopping the run and make Yates beat them.


Tennessee +3.5 vs. New Orleans
This is a classic "We don't like to play outside, cause it's too cold" game for New Orleans. Much like the playoff game last year in Seattle. How embarrassing was that? The Saints are tough in the Dome, soft outside. Did you know the Titans have never lost to the Saints? And the Titans have a legitimate shot of winning the AFC south now that Houston has no QB. Plus I'm always a sucker for a home underdog.


Atlanta +3 at Carolina
So you're telling me that Carolina not only has to win, but has to win by more than 3 for them to cover? No thanks. Are we forgetting that they are 4-8? They have beat Tampa (4-8), Indianapolis (0-12), Washington (4-8) and Jacksonville (3-9).


New England -9 at Washington
Really? Is there any question where I'm going here? My undying loyalty to the coldest man in the NFL will never waiver again. In fact, I'm going out today to find a dark grey hooded sweatshirt. I will cut off the sleeves at an awkward length. I will iron on the letters "BB" so everyone knows it's mine. I will wear it every Sunday for the rest of my life.


Denver -3.5 vs. Chicago
 ²³ From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. “Get out of here, baldy!” they said. “Get out of here, baldy!” ²⁴ He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.

2 Kings 2:23-24

Lets look at the last couple of weeks for the Broncos here: Tebow took over in the Lions game, lost by 35, and every sports writer, announcer, and analyst ripped him apart. Since then he has won 5 straight games, swept their own conference, and last week Tebow beat the Vikings with his arm. Still not a believer? Last week the Bears lost Matt Forte for the season, after they just lost Cutler for the Season. Bears? It's a little too weird isn't it? I believe in a lot of things: God, the baseball Gods, Karma, that high school football teams should play on their own f'ing field, that despite how ego-maniacal and dominant the eastern Washington Big 9 thinks they are they will never match up to Kingco, and that if I don't believe in Tebow bears will come out of the forrest and maul me. 

San Francisco -3.5 at Arizona
Why is this line only 3.5 points? Did San Francisco all of a sudden get worse? The Cardinals under coach Wisenhunt are 2-7 against the 49ers and has only covered the spread once. I see a big let down for the Cardinals after their stunning win over the Cowboys last week.

 By the way, another example of a head coach have a mental seizure in the final minutes of a game. How are they not better at this? Don't they go through these scenarios in their head before every game? Maybe head coaches are just really good at looking like they can make decisions, but suck at actually doing it. That would explain a lot about some of the guys I have worked for.


Green Bay -11 vs. Oakland
I took Oakland last week in my 3 team Teaser at Miami, and they lost by 20. I started Michael Bush in my TD only league, and he scored no TDs. However, Darius Heyward Bey scored a TD, but I dropped him a couple of weeks ago. The Raiders are dead to me. I hope Green Bay beats them by 50.


San Diego -7 vs. Buffalo
No more wagons for this guy. How bout a nice little 5 game losing streak for the Bills, ouch. The Chargers are going to turn it on late like they always do and challenge the Denver Tebows for the league title. Besides I need some good Karma for Rivers and Gates in my TD only fantasy league. Especially since I didn't make the playoffs in my teacher league, which is horribly setup by the way.

Vick went down one week, so I picked up Matt Moore, who throws for 194 yards and 3 TDs. Pretty good day right? But because he didn't throw for over 200 yards, he didn't get the 10 point bonus. The guy I was playing had a QB that threw for 280 yards, 1 TD, and 2 picks. He ended up with the same amount of points as Matt Moore did. How stupid is that? Lost out to my department head, Shrek, Donkey, and one arrogant Husky fan. I hate Husky fans.


NY Giants +3.5 at Dallas
Coin flip. Either one of these teams could come out and dominate or they could lose by 30. Inconsistency is the mark of a good team right? I'm only picking the Giants because if they win both teams would be 7-6, creating a bigger mess than it already is. Picking Eli makes me want to give away one of testicles. How can a guy be so successful his whole life and have such bad body language. His older brothers seriously damaged him mentally. The problem with Eli is every time I need him, he bends me over. Every time I don't count on him, he ends up coming through and screwing me again. No chance I don't get Back Door Cam'd on this one.

Good luck to all of you on your week 14 picks. The Menace usually makes his picks on Saturday. But his Dad is in the middle of Basketball season, so he may be using his 2 year old to input stats on opposing teams big men. I will get them posted as soon as I have them.