It's been a busy couple of days. Thanksgiving, went mostly smooth. Then I went out for my first Black Friday, that was insane. Now it would seem that my daughter is done harvesting herself inside of my wife. We are off to the hospital here within the next couple of hours, so I probably won't have too much to say about my picks. No time for research this week, so I'm going on gut feeling and who jumps out at me first. Probably end up 12-0. Sorry about the short column, but wish me luck.
NY Jets -8 vs. Buffalo
I'm off the bandwagon for good. There are no wagons. The Indians overran them, stole their food, and went back to the reservation. Good call paying Fitzpatrick $60 million. He will make more money during this one game where he will throw 3-5 interceptions, then I will make all year.
Cincinnati -7.5 vs. Cleveland
Everyone is calling this a let down game. But I think the Bengals might just be a good team. Besides, the Browns suck (FUGOPN) thats Fat Ugly Girl On Prom Night. My new acronym.
Houston -3.5 at Jacksonville
Don't like this pick, with Leinhert's first game and all. Jags play D better than people think. If the line were at 5, I would take the Jags.
Carolina -3.5 at Indianopolis
The pressure is off Indy to lose all 16 games to get Luck. So they might actually win this one. Can we please stop all the Cam Newton Rookie of the Year hype? 2 games people, he's won 2 games. Carolina can score, so I think they cover here.
Tennessee -3 vs. Tampa Bay
Flip a coin. The 3 points is only cause they are at home, so essentially this game is a pick em. Pains me to say this, but Jake Locker actually looked decent. How is that possible? The guy is horrible. He overthrows wide open receivers by 15 yards. If he becomes successful in the NFL, I'm gonna kick a puppy.
Atlanta -9.5 vs. Minnesota
I know I'm gonna get screwed on this one. I don't know how. Call it a gut feeling.
Chicago +4.5 at Oakland
Oakland is better than people think, but the AFC West isn't known for stingy defense. No Cutler, not as big a deal as people think. Don't get me wrong, Haine might be FUGOPN, but they will run the ball, throw screens, and play defense.
Seattle -3.5 vs. Washington
Two things I know, but can't explain: it is tough to play in Seattle and the Redskins spend ass loads of money and suck.
Denver +6.5 at San Diego
I would like to thank the guys in Vegas for making it easy for Tebow back door these spreads. If he had to actually give points and cover, that might be another story. You can't go against the son of God.
Pittsburgh -10 at Kansas City
No explanation here. Men and boys.
NY Giants +7 at New Orleans
This was an email Bill Simmons wrote to himself in his Thanksgiving column this week:
Q: I can see it now … after the Giants get slaughtered on Monday night in New Orleans, everyone writes them off and starts saying, "It's finally over for Tom Coughlin" … only just when we're almost done shoveling dirt on them, they make Mercury Morris' year by ending Green Bay's undefeated streak at home in Week 13, then they upset Dallas in Dallas on Sunday night, followed by everyone saying, "You can never count out the Giants, when will we learn?" … only they promptly blow their Week 15 home game against the Redskins as 10-point favorites, everyone jumps off their bandwagon again … and of course, they upset the Jets in a "road" game in Week 16, and suddenly, they're heading into the final week only needing to beat Dallas at home to (improbably) win the NFC East. The Giants are like Rowdy Roddy Piper: Every time you think you know the answers, they change the questions, right?
— Bill, Los Angeles
He then went on to pick the Saints for this week, but I'm gonna jump on the other side.
Good luck to you with your picks this week. We now have 3 total challengers against "The Menace". So if you want to join in, just send me your picks.
Wish us luck with our kid.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thanksgiving Day Picks
A Happy Thanksgiving to all of you out there. There are many things to be thankful for this year: Griffin Marshal Haselhuhn was born last week, my own daughter will be born sometime within the next couple of weeks, and I still have a job, despite my best efforts to push the "line" as far as I can.
Thanksgiving is a great time. Let's get together with a bunch of family that we rarely see and stuff ourselves full of as much tranquilizing food as humanly possible. Nothing better than seeing a distant Uncle unbutton his pants after a large meal, especially if he's an in-law. Speaking of in-laws I would like to share the story of my first Thanksgiving with my in-laws. It's a long one, so make sure you have time to read it.
If nobody hears from me after this, it's because my wife killed me. Remember me well.
The year was 2009 and my wife and I had been married that October. Just enough time for me to get to know all my in-laws, but I'm still the new guy who doesn't say very much and still feels awkward around a crowd of people I don't know. Let's be honest, I'm not what you would call a "people person", so I don't like to be around any group of people.
Quick time out. I'm an only child. Our Thanksgivings topped out an a total of 9-10 people. Football was always on. I always drank beers. It was very quiet and relaxing.
My wife has 3 siblings. Her brother is married with 2 kids under the age of 3, and 2 sisters. So including me, we are up to 10 people already. Oh but wait, my mother-in-laws twin sisters family would be there as well. They too had 4 kids, 2 of them married, and their oldest had 3 kids under the age of 6. Let's tally this up here:
4 older aged people
12 adults/teens
5 kids
That's 21 freaking people! We may have well just gone and eaten at a Granny's Buffet. Later on that suggestion won't be as stupid as it sounds. At this point my game plan is to sit in the corner, keep my mouth shut, watch some football, and make this as painless as possible.
So we show up to my father-in-laws house around 1pm, right in the middle of the first game. The TV is not on. Let me repeat that. The TV is not on. Deep breaths. Relax. Maybe it's just a mistake. Everyone watches football on Thanksgiving right? So I quietly pull my wife aside an to try find out what the hell is going on. She then tells me that the TV is never on cause #1 her mom doesn't like TV and #2 it would take away from people mingling and talking.
I don't know if you ever seen a 250 lbs. man go into complete panic mode, but I was getting close. First off who doesn't like TV? What do you do with your day? You have couches, what do you do when you are sitting on them? Secondly there were a total of 5 people in the house at this time and I'm not a mingler anyway. Am I in a dream? That's got to be it. This is just a dream. Wake up!!!
Turns out, not a dream. No football on Thanksgiving. I'm almost tearing up just thinking about it. Deep breaths. Calm down. We will just have to up our beer intake to even out the lack of football. Who can see what's coming next? No beer. Have you ever been in a situation that you knew you needed to get out and you can almost hear sirens and warning signs in your head. Evacuate! Luckily I picked up a little trick from my boy Huhn and brought an emergency cooler in the car with beers. Turns out, 21 people, 6 of them adult males, and I'm the only guy who brought beer. By the end of the night I felt like a drug dealer. Cousins were coming up to me quietly saying "I heard you have some beers in the car. Can I get one of those?" Sure buddy, the first one's free.
Let's recap here. Double the acceptable amount of people for my Thanksgiving. No football and I'm slangin beer out of the back of my truck. Can't get much worse right?
They are starting to put food on the table. Food is good, I like food. Things are looking up. Just then 3 of the female cousins start singing a song together in the kitchen. At first I thought it was just a quick chorus, then it kept going on. Am I trapped in a musical? That has to be it. You never see TV or beer in a musical. God has trapped me in some musical hell. I need a beer.
The singing stopped. Time for dinner. I sit down right next to my wife and right behind my brother-in-laws kids, who are like mini Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hydes. Sometimes they are nice and smiling, but you don't want to get too close or say something too loud otherwise they snap and ruin every ounce of peace you've ever had in your entire life.
Timing is everything. Just as my wife leans over and says "How are you doing?" My brother-in-laws older kid lets out a blood curdling scream less than 6 inches away from my ear. So high pitched you would think somebody was stabbing the kid, not trying to feed him turkey. Now I understand that all kids scream, but not like this. Five minutes into the screaming they decide to take him into another room and away from my ear. 30 minutes later the screaming stopped. I need a beer.
Back to the food. Keep your head down. Push through. The meal is almost over, there can't be much more time left.
So we get done eating and I see a couple of the cousins stand up and start stretching; trunk rotations, shoulder stretches, back stretches. My first thought was: "What the hell are they doing?" Then I started to think maybe they were trying to stretch out the food they just ate to become more comfortable. They are all skinny people. They don't have near the storage capacity that I do. Maybe they have done this before. Maybe if I start stretching I can go back for more turkey. . . . . The mind wanders when you don't talk to anyone. I need a beer.
Then the brother-in-law suggests that we all go outside and throw the football around. I have a bad feeling about this. My wife and I are not elite athletes. We are in good shape and were both good high school athletes. She played college basketball and I played community college baseball, but that would be the combined athletic accomplishments of all 21 people present. So lets go throw a football around with a bunch of people who have caught very few things in their lives. You know that scene in "Meet the Parents" when Focher gets into the pool with his banana hammock to play volleyball, then spikes the ball off the bride to be's face and breaks her nose? That's what I'm imagining in my head right now. I'm gonna throw a football, it's gonna go right through some poor girls hands, and shatter he nose like a glass vase.
"I'm good. I'll just watch. Thanks though." I need a beer.
As I'm watching this display of below average middle school athletics, I see two of the children playing with a soccer ball. Well, one of them is playing. Actually, the 1 year old is sitting in the grass and the 4 year old keeps picking up the soccer ball and throwing it off the 1 year olds head from a foot away. There are 14 people over the age of 20 watching this happen and laughing cause they think it's funny and I'm the only one who seems upset that this is taking place. If that were my kid getting hit in the head I would go pick up that soccer ball and throw it off the 4 year olds head.
"Doesn't feel real good does it Timmy?"
Maybe I should slow down on the beers.
This has to be nearing the end. I'm nearing the point where I open my mouth to say something I shouldn't and anyone who knows me knows that is never a good thing.
"Oreo Cookies!!!"
That is the code word for a buddy of mine and me. When either one of us starts saying stuff we shouldn't, due to lack of internal filter, the other is supposed to say, "Oreo Cookies." That is our cue to shut-up.
I know what you're thinking: do you really need a code word to stop saying things you shouldn't. And the answer is yes. I once told a bouncer at a Casino that if they were going to drag me out of here they were going to need somebody bigger than you. I absolutely need a code word.
So we all go back inside. This day is nearing an end. I've made it through. Didn't even piss anyone off.
"Let's play a game!" . . . . . .What? Who said that? Do I have anything near to throw at them?
"What game?" . . . . "Clue?" . . . . "Monopoly?" . . . . . "I know, let's play Twister"
Are you $&%ing kidding me? This isn't happening, right? A group of adults, who are relatives are going to play twister? No chance, right? This kind of thing doesn't happen in the real world, only on the Cosby show. Somebody has to stop this before it really happens. I look to my father-in-law to be the voice of reason here. Nothing. Oh $#@&. This is really going to happen. How many beers do I have left?
They actually grabbed the game. They're spreading out the mat with all the colored dots. I can't believe this is happening. I love my wife more than anything in the world. But at this point I am seriously questioning our marriage.
Then it hits me. Be the spinner guy. Spinner guy is part of the game, but he doesn't have to awkwardly touch his mother-in-law or bend over his wifes uncle. I'm a genius.
So first all the girls play and I'm big time. "Right hand red." Best idea ever.
Then all the older adults play. Some people shouldn't bend after they reach a certain age by the way.
Then all the kids play. Then they call out for all the people who married into this circus to play. Abort! Abort! Plan back fired. Should have snuck outside. Why didn't I fake explosive diarrhea? Damn.
So I politely decline, hoping the others will do the same. But instead they are taking off their shoes and moving to the playing mat. Of course they are. I politely decline again. Then it starts to happen.
There are several times in a man's life when he would enjoy having his name chanted. During an impressive chug of something during college. As an athlete standing on the field or court before a big play happens.
At no point does a man ever think one of those times would be sitting in your in-laws living room being rooted on to play a game of twister. No lie. This really happened. You can't make this stuff up. What was I to do? I can't be the jack ass who sits in the chair while everyone chants his name and not get up and play. So I took my shoes off, seriously contemplating divorce or at least a momentary separation. Will they let me play with a beer in my hand?
It was me and 2 other guys in what ranks as one of the top 5 worst times in my life. We're stretching and twisting and maneuvering around each other. And just when I think it couldn't get any more awkward, a 5 year old boy crawls between my legs from behind.
That first Thanksgiving was not my best. I did survive, and maybe more impressive, so did everyone else. So whenever you think you had a bad Thanksgiving, I want you to remember Twister.
Thanksgiving Picks
Two great games this Thursday and one ok game. But the best lineup of games since I have been alive.
Detroit +6 vs. Green Bay
The Lions are 16-17 on turkey day, 2-4 versus the Packers, and 10-7 versus teams that don't have to travel very far. This game will be a shoot out. Take the over whatever it is. Be thankful if you get to watch this game because it will be the most exciting one of the day. Not my favorite game of the day, due to the lack of defense, and we all know defense wins championships.
This game will be a lot like many of the Madden video games I was forced to watch my roommates play in college. Did I ever get to play? Not much. Why? I wasn't good enough to challenge them. Well if you two would put down the controller and go to class maybe I could get a little better.
The Packers have only ever played the Lions on Thanksgiving and are 2-0 under Mike McCarthy. But the Pack gives up almost 400 yards of offense per game. My feeling here is last team with the ball wins. It's a thanksgiving miracle!!
Baltimore -3 vs San Francisco
Who would you rather have Thanksgiving dinner with the Ryan brothers or the Harbaugh brothers? The answer, without a question, is the Ryan brothers. I bet the Harbaughs spend the day breaking down film, arm wrestling, and a nice post dinner jog. Whereas the Ryan brothers drink beer, pound turkey, swear at each other, and throw things at anyone who suggests a jog.
My favorite game of the day, this is a really tough game to pick. Short week for both teams. Both coming off a win. Both with good defenses. I actually think the 49ers are the better team and will probably take them in my teaser. But they have to travel, which will take at least one day out of their preparation. For that reason alone, I'm taking the Ravens. But I don't feel good about it.
Dallas -7 vs. Miami
That makes it 3 for 3 on home teams. Unless you have a twister game to go to after dinner you are much happier to be the home team on Thanksgiving than the away team. After the game you get to go home to your family and save at least part of the day.
The cowboys are 20-13 on turkey day. Now 2 of those losses are to the Dolphins, but one was the Leon Lett snow game. If you don't remember, watch the first couple minutes of this video.
You're right, the Dolphins have won 3 in a row. Do you know who they were against?
Kansas City
Buffalo (who sucks now)
Washington
Besides Romo is great in November, he just morphs into our fat prom girl in December.
I'm gonna need a term for that. I'll come up with something. Happy Thanksgiving to all and good luck to you this week.
Thanksgiving is a great time. Let's get together with a bunch of family that we rarely see and stuff ourselves full of as much tranquilizing food as humanly possible. Nothing better than seeing a distant Uncle unbutton his pants after a large meal, especially if he's an in-law. Speaking of in-laws I would like to share the story of my first Thanksgiving with my in-laws. It's a long one, so make sure you have time to read it.
If nobody hears from me after this, it's because my wife killed me. Remember me well.
The year was 2009 and my wife and I had been married that October. Just enough time for me to get to know all my in-laws, but I'm still the new guy who doesn't say very much and still feels awkward around a crowd of people I don't know. Let's be honest, I'm not what you would call a "people person", so I don't like to be around any group of people.
Quick time out. I'm an only child. Our Thanksgivings topped out an a total of 9-10 people. Football was always on. I always drank beers. It was very quiet and relaxing.
My wife has 3 siblings. Her brother is married with 2 kids under the age of 3, and 2 sisters. So including me, we are up to 10 people already. Oh but wait, my mother-in-laws twin sisters family would be there as well. They too had 4 kids, 2 of them married, and their oldest had 3 kids under the age of 6. Let's tally this up here:
4 older aged people
12 adults/teens
5 kids
That's 21 freaking people! We may have well just gone and eaten at a Granny's Buffet. Later on that suggestion won't be as stupid as it sounds. At this point my game plan is to sit in the corner, keep my mouth shut, watch some football, and make this as painless as possible.
So we show up to my father-in-laws house around 1pm, right in the middle of the first game. The TV is not on. Let me repeat that. The TV is not on. Deep breaths. Relax. Maybe it's just a mistake. Everyone watches football on Thanksgiving right? So I quietly pull my wife aside an to try find out what the hell is going on. She then tells me that the TV is never on cause #1 her mom doesn't like TV and #2 it would take away from people mingling and talking.
I don't know if you ever seen a 250 lbs. man go into complete panic mode, but I was getting close. First off who doesn't like TV? What do you do with your day? You have couches, what do you do when you are sitting on them? Secondly there were a total of 5 people in the house at this time and I'm not a mingler anyway. Am I in a dream? That's got to be it. This is just a dream. Wake up!!!
Turns out, not a dream. No football on Thanksgiving. I'm almost tearing up just thinking about it. Deep breaths. Calm down. We will just have to up our beer intake to even out the lack of football. Who can see what's coming next? No beer. Have you ever been in a situation that you knew you needed to get out and you can almost hear sirens and warning signs in your head. Evacuate! Luckily I picked up a little trick from my boy Huhn and brought an emergency cooler in the car with beers. Turns out, 21 people, 6 of them adult males, and I'm the only guy who brought beer. By the end of the night I felt like a drug dealer. Cousins were coming up to me quietly saying "I heard you have some beers in the car. Can I get one of those?" Sure buddy, the first one's free.
Let's recap here. Double the acceptable amount of people for my Thanksgiving. No football and I'm slangin beer out of the back of my truck. Can't get much worse right?
They are starting to put food on the table. Food is good, I like food. Things are looking up. Just then 3 of the female cousins start singing a song together in the kitchen. At first I thought it was just a quick chorus, then it kept going on. Am I trapped in a musical? That has to be it. You never see TV or beer in a musical. God has trapped me in some musical hell. I need a beer.
The singing stopped. Time for dinner. I sit down right next to my wife and right behind my brother-in-laws kids, who are like mini Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hydes. Sometimes they are nice and smiling, but you don't want to get too close or say something too loud otherwise they snap and ruin every ounce of peace you've ever had in your entire life.
Timing is everything. Just as my wife leans over and says "How are you doing?" My brother-in-laws older kid lets out a blood curdling scream less than 6 inches away from my ear. So high pitched you would think somebody was stabbing the kid, not trying to feed him turkey. Now I understand that all kids scream, but not like this. Five minutes into the screaming they decide to take him into another room and away from my ear. 30 minutes later the screaming stopped. I need a beer.
Back to the food. Keep your head down. Push through. The meal is almost over, there can't be much more time left.
So we get done eating and I see a couple of the cousins stand up and start stretching; trunk rotations, shoulder stretches, back stretches. My first thought was: "What the hell are they doing?" Then I started to think maybe they were trying to stretch out the food they just ate to become more comfortable. They are all skinny people. They don't have near the storage capacity that I do. Maybe they have done this before. Maybe if I start stretching I can go back for more turkey. . . . . The mind wanders when you don't talk to anyone. I need a beer.
Then the brother-in-law suggests that we all go outside and throw the football around. I have a bad feeling about this. My wife and I are not elite athletes. We are in good shape and were both good high school athletes. She played college basketball and I played community college baseball, but that would be the combined athletic accomplishments of all 21 people present. So lets go throw a football around with a bunch of people who have caught very few things in their lives. You know that scene in "Meet the Parents" when Focher gets into the pool with his banana hammock to play volleyball, then spikes the ball off the bride to be's face and breaks her nose? That's what I'm imagining in my head right now. I'm gonna throw a football, it's gonna go right through some poor girls hands, and shatter he nose like a glass vase.
"I'm good. I'll just watch. Thanks though." I need a beer.
As I'm watching this display of below average middle school athletics, I see two of the children playing with a soccer ball. Well, one of them is playing. Actually, the 1 year old is sitting in the grass and the 4 year old keeps picking up the soccer ball and throwing it off the 1 year olds head from a foot away. There are 14 people over the age of 20 watching this happen and laughing cause they think it's funny and I'm the only one who seems upset that this is taking place. If that were my kid getting hit in the head I would go pick up that soccer ball and throw it off the 4 year olds head.
"Doesn't feel real good does it Timmy?"
Maybe I should slow down on the beers.
This has to be nearing the end. I'm nearing the point where I open my mouth to say something I shouldn't and anyone who knows me knows that is never a good thing.
"Oreo Cookies!!!"
That is the code word for a buddy of mine and me. When either one of us starts saying stuff we shouldn't, due to lack of internal filter, the other is supposed to say, "Oreo Cookies." That is our cue to shut-up.
I know what you're thinking: do you really need a code word to stop saying things you shouldn't. And the answer is yes. I once told a bouncer at a Casino that if they were going to drag me out of here they were going to need somebody bigger than you. I absolutely need a code word.
So we all go back inside. This day is nearing an end. I've made it through. Didn't even piss anyone off.
"Let's play a game!" . . . . . .What? Who said that? Do I have anything near to throw at them?
"What game?" . . . . "Clue?" . . . . "Monopoly?" . . . . . "I know, let's play Twister"
Are you $&%ing kidding me? This isn't happening, right? A group of adults, who are relatives are going to play twister? No chance, right? This kind of thing doesn't happen in the real world, only on the Cosby show. Somebody has to stop this before it really happens. I look to my father-in-law to be the voice of reason here. Nothing. Oh $#@&. This is really going to happen. How many beers do I have left?
They actually grabbed the game. They're spreading out the mat with all the colored dots. I can't believe this is happening. I love my wife more than anything in the world. But at this point I am seriously questioning our marriage.
Then it hits me. Be the spinner guy. Spinner guy is part of the game, but he doesn't have to awkwardly touch his mother-in-law or bend over his wifes uncle. I'm a genius.
So first all the girls play and I'm big time. "Right hand red." Best idea ever.
Then all the older adults play. Some people shouldn't bend after they reach a certain age by the way.
Then all the kids play. Then they call out for all the people who married into this circus to play. Abort! Abort! Plan back fired. Should have snuck outside. Why didn't I fake explosive diarrhea? Damn.
So I politely decline, hoping the others will do the same. But instead they are taking off their shoes and moving to the playing mat. Of course they are. I politely decline again. Then it starts to happen.
There are several times in a man's life when he would enjoy having his name chanted. During an impressive chug of something during college. As an athlete standing on the field or court before a big play happens.
At no point does a man ever think one of those times would be sitting in your in-laws living room being rooted on to play a game of twister. No lie. This really happened. You can't make this stuff up. What was I to do? I can't be the jack ass who sits in the chair while everyone chants his name and not get up and play. So I took my shoes off, seriously contemplating divorce or at least a momentary separation. Will they let me play with a beer in my hand?
It was me and 2 other guys in what ranks as one of the top 5 worst times in my life. We're stretching and twisting and maneuvering around each other. And just when I think it couldn't get any more awkward, a 5 year old boy crawls between my legs from behind.
That first Thanksgiving was not my best. I did survive, and maybe more impressive, so did everyone else. So whenever you think you had a bad Thanksgiving, I want you to remember Twister.
Thanksgiving Picks
Two great games this Thursday and one ok game. But the best lineup of games since I have been alive.
Detroit +6 vs. Green Bay
The Lions are 16-17 on turkey day, 2-4 versus the Packers, and 10-7 versus teams that don't have to travel very far. This game will be a shoot out. Take the over whatever it is. Be thankful if you get to watch this game because it will be the most exciting one of the day. Not my favorite game of the day, due to the lack of defense, and we all know defense wins championships.
This game will be a lot like many of the Madden video games I was forced to watch my roommates play in college. Did I ever get to play? Not much. Why? I wasn't good enough to challenge them. Well if you two would put down the controller and go to class maybe I could get a little better.
The Packers have only ever played the Lions on Thanksgiving and are 2-0 under Mike McCarthy. But the Pack gives up almost 400 yards of offense per game. My feeling here is last team with the ball wins. It's a thanksgiving miracle!!
Baltimore -3 vs San Francisco
Who would you rather have Thanksgiving dinner with the Ryan brothers or the Harbaugh brothers? The answer, without a question, is the Ryan brothers. I bet the Harbaughs spend the day breaking down film, arm wrestling, and a nice post dinner jog. Whereas the Ryan brothers drink beer, pound turkey, swear at each other, and throw things at anyone who suggests a jog.My favorite game of the day, this is a really tough game to pick. Short week for both teams. Both coming off a win. Both with good defenses. I actually think the 49ers are the better team and will probably take them in my teaser. But they have to travel, which will take at least one day out of their preparation. For that reason alone, I'm taking the Ravens. But I don't feel good about it.
Dallas -7 vs. Miami
That makes it 3 for 3 on home teams. Unless you have a twister game to go to after dinner you are much happier to be the home team on Thanksgiving than the away team. After the game you get to go home to your family and save at least part of the day.
The cowboys are 20-13 on turkey day. Now 2 of those losses are to the Dolphins, but one was the Leon Lett snow game. If you don't remember, watch the first couple minutes of this video.
You're right, the Dolphins have won 3 in a row. Do you know who they were against?
Kansas City
Buffalo (who sucks now)
Washington
Besides Romo is great in November, he just morphs into our fat prom girl in December.
I'm gonna need a term for that. I'll come up with something. Happy Thanksgiving to all and good luck to you this week.
A New Hope . . .
Anybody get the Star Wars reference in the title?
Episode IV?
Nobody? . . . . . . . . . Anyway
The Haselhuhn's have opted to test their skills against "The Menace". Until I start beating him, this will be his new nickname. The Haselhuhn's are a 2 man team made up a Seth (Dad) a grizzly of a man who is currently getting his P.H.d. in sports pedagogy. He drives all the way to Moscow, ID early Monday morning, sleeps on an air mattress and eats whatever microwavable food he can find, then drives back home every Friday.
Sorry ladies, he's taken.
The other half of team Haselhuhn is his 3 year old son named Beckett. Beckett is really a 12 year old crammed into a 3 year olds body and will be referred to as Hambone in their picks. Now just because his Mom decided to call him Hambone, don't think he is chubby. He is build like a brick #$%&house. I have no idea why his mom wanted to give him the international nickname for fat kids, but then again I have no idea why women do most of the things they do.
Team Haselhuhn has decided to write their own intro and describe their own picks, so don't blame me if you don't like it. A word of caution: the writer tends to use large words to over exert his accumulated education. But before you feel inferior or undereducated, I assure you he is just a glorified P.E. major.
With no further ado, here they are:
Episode IV?
Nobody? . . . . . . . . . Anyway
The Haselhuhn's have opted to test their skills against "The Menace". Until I start beating him, this will be his new nickname. The Haselhuhn's are a 2 man team made up a Seth (Dad) a grizzly of a man who is currently getting his P.H.d. in sports pedagogy. He drives all the way to Moscow, ID early Monday morning, sleeps on an air mattress and eats whatever microwavable food he can find, then drives back home every Friday.
Sorry ladies, he's taken.
The other half of team Haselhuhn is his 3 year old son named Beckett. Beckett is really a 12 year old crammed into a 3 year olds body and will be referred to as Hambone in their picks. Now just because his Mom decided to call him Hambone, don't think he is chubby. He is build like a brick #$%&house. I have no idea why his mom wanted to give him the international nickname for fat kids, but then again I have no idea why women do most of the things they do.
Team Haselhuhn has decided to write their own intro and describe their own picks, so don't blame me if you don't like it. A word of caution: the writer tends to use large words to over exert his accumulated education. But before you feel inferior or undereducated, I assure you he is just a glorified P.E. major.
With no further ado, here they are:
I don’t claim to be an expert in sports betting, fantasy, or
even football. I don’t know how many yards per game anyone has and can’t name
all of the head coaches. I do like Harbaugh, but only because he attacks days with enthusiasm unknown to mankind. Staton
invited our picks so I wrote down all the games, found a picture with all the
team logos on it and cheated. If a two year old is that much better that
someone researching the stuff, then a little intuition and the logic of three
year old that thinks Becky “Icebox” O’Shea is the greatest football player of
all time can’t be all that wrong, can it? Besides, Mark Grace always said, “if
you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t trying hard enough.”
Green Bay -6.5
@ Detroit
Hambone likes “the G’s” and I can’t argue. A touchdown can
be a lot to cover but the Lions bubble seems to have burst, it’s the first game
of Thanksgiving and Rogers and the boys will want to get to dinner early.
Dallas -7
vs. Miami
Miami seems bad and Reggie looks bad in white and baby blue
despite the gun show on the pizza commercial or whatever he’s selling. Hambone
likes the Cowboys but only because Kevin O’Shea coaches them, not because Romo
is really good, except when it counts. Still, it’s nice to win one, but they
have a larger mission of getting Luck on their side. Dallas wins by 9.
Baltimore -3 vs. San
Francisco
Harbaugh has more enthuaisam than Ray-Ray can muster and
last I saw he was on the sidelines cheering. Harbaugh and his QB magic will
cover 3 despite Hambone’s preference for animal logos.
St. Louis -3 vs. Arizona
Really? Does it matter? If this game is televised, reruns of
Seinfeld should call and complain about lack of air time. Hambone likes the
“birds”, good enough for me.
Jets -8 vs. Buffalo
The Franchize is always good after a bad outing or two.
Buffalo has to rebound eventually so its USC vs. Harvard. Starting for only one
year at USC is basically NFL experience in the Carroll days except the
paychecks were tax free. Hambone likes the J-E-T-S but 8 is a ton of points.
I’ll take Buffalo to cover.
Cincinnati -7.5
vs. Cleveland
Hambone likes the “helmets” over the “B’s”, a stunner, “B”
usually is a favorite, despite the apparent omen, not even the former NCAA win
leader can get over a read headed spark plug. Never doubt a ginger. I’m taking
Cincinnati and the points.
Houston -3
@ Jacksonville
Jacksonville has a team? Still? Why? I’m with Hambone on
this one. Elway’s backup is making good with the Texans. I’ll take them to
interrupt their beach time long enough to score at least 4 more than the Jag’s.
Carolina -3.5
@ Indianapolis
They should rename the city after Manning. Criticism over
not winning enough Super Bowls is out, they can’t even win a game without the
best quarterback spokesman since Namath. Hambone likes the “horseshoes” but I
just can’t bear to follow it. If Staton can play a whole NFL game and only
throw three, Cam can throw 8 picks and still win by two scores.
Tennessee -3 vs. Tampa
Bay
Hasselback is showing that he still has something but Hambone
likes Pirates, mostly Jake and Captain Hook and I think he’s probably right. I
know nothing about this game except that I like Pirates too. Bucs will at least
cover.
Atlanta -9 vs. Minnesota
Nine seems like a lot. Vikings look a lot like Pirates. Let
it ride. I’ll take Minnesota to keep it within 9 points.
Oakland -5
vs. Chicago
Another Pirate. Taking the first one was easy, this one
seems like the hardest. I guess Cutler is out and Orton may be on the way. God
must hate Orton, that can’t be good – I’ll take the Raiders and the five.
Seattle -4
vs. Washington
Shannahan was the man last time I really watched the NFL on
a regular basis and Carroll has been coaching professional football for a
decade. The 12th man combined with the ‘Skin’s not caring means I’m
taking the “Mohawks” with Hambone.
New England -3
@ Philadelphia
It doesn’t matter who is playing QB for the “bird one”.
Hambone doesn’t know about Tom Brady, you know, the guy that made Belicheck a
“genius.” I’m going against Hambone and taking Tom.
San Diego -6.5
vs. Denver
I like me some Tebow. Anyone who has a post game presser on
a plague before he graduated must be on to something. All this praise is
getting The Chosen One close to being a false idol and they’re playing the
Bolts. Hambone and I agree, Tebow makes it interesting but Rivers and Co.
strike the streak.
Pittsburg -10.5 @ Kansas
City
Hambone likes the “Red Letters” and seems like a ton, not as
bad as Charile Weiss looks in pants but still, three scores is too much to go
against logic like “Red letters” during Little Einstein’s. Chief’s cover.
New Orleans -7 vs. NY
Giants
Did I mention Becky “Icebox” O’Shea? Hambone thinks he plays
for the Giants, how can I go against that? Giants cover 7 at least.
Brent's Week 12 Picks
Green Bay
Miami
San Francisco
NYJ
Cincinnati
Houston
Carolina
Tennessee
Atlanta
Chicago
Washington
Denver – can’t go against Tebow anymore
Pittsburgh
NY Giants
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Week 11 in Review
There is a great episode of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, with Will Smith. I may be dating myself for those of you younger than 20. DL Hughley plays a friend of Will's from Philly who is now a stand-up comedian. Will goes on to make fun of him, saying it's not a real job and anybody can do it. So Will tries to do his own stand up act in front of a crowd, cause he thinks he is funny and how hard could it really be?
Will gets on stage, and proceeds to bomb. Telling bad jokes and embarrassing himself until his friend, who actually works at this comes on stage and saves him.
There have been many comments about my picks and how I could possible be beaten by a 2 year old. So last week I threw out an invitation to anyone who wanted to pick with me. Especially those who think "How hard could it really be?"
A buddy of mine, who offered me help with my picks after our first week decided to join in this week, probably thinking he was better than me and that he would show this child genius who is Boss. Well after last nights games the totals are in:
Me 8 for 14
Kid 8 for 14
Brent 6 for 14
Decent week I thought, except for the fact that I make up no ground on the NFL savant that is a 2 year old blonde boy who bares striking resemblance to both Macaulay Culkin in home alone 1 and Dennis the Menace. Here is the Breakdown:
Denver beats the Jets
TEEEEEEEBOOOOOOOW! Hey, when I'm right, I'm right. And until this fear of being struck down by lightning for betting against the chosen one, I'm riding that golden chariot. The sad thing here is that the kid made his pick on Saturday, so this game had been over for 2 days. Did he somehow know that the Broncos had won? Is he smarter than I am giving him credit for? Or is this just another case of karma kicking me straight in the grapes?
Discount Double Check fails to cover
This was a lot of points, and I knew Tampa always plays well in Lambeau, but I took it anyway. Moron. LaGarette Blunt plows through all 11 Green Bay defenders, 3 coaches, 2 refs, and Clay Mathews mom (who has the same hair) in route to a long TD, then fake Lambeua leaps. I'm not a Blunt fan, on any level, but I do enjoy the kiss my ass maneuver. Guess who picked the Bucs to cover? . . . . KEVIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Home alone reference, for those of you not paying attention)
Back Door Cam gets Back Door Cam'd
For anybody who likes defense, this game made you want to stab your eyes out with a dull butter knife. (Too graphic? Don't care, defense wins championships) Cam throws 4 picks in the second half? 4? I could go out there and only throw 3 and I never played quarterback. Got fondled by a couple when I was playing center, but that's an awkward different story. The best part about this game, other than me picking it correctly, is the fact that at this point Brent is 0 for 3. How hard could it be?
Cleveland & Jacksonville Suck
I told, didn't I tell you. Fat girl. Prom Night. Gross. 24 combined points in this game and not because the defenses were dominant. Both stagnant offenses had over 300 yards. Both QBs were over 190 yards and both starting RBs were over 87 yards. Best part about this game? The kid and I cover, Brent is 0 for 4.
Hitting a golf ball straight off the Tee looks so easy, I can do that. How hard could it be to play on the PGA tour, I'm as good as those guys.
Al Davis lives on
Quick moment of silence for all of you who took Adrian Peterson with their first pick in Fantasy Football and now won't have him for the playoffs. It's ok to cry a little.
Brent picked a game right! Brent picked a game right! Ok, enough poking fun. He does make a solid come back later in the day. The Raiders are going to win the AFC west . . . . waiting for lightning . . . They have a huge offensive line, can run the ball, and Palmer doesn't look horrible. Guess the kid didn't see that one in his little toy crystal ball. If he was bigger I would fight him.
Miami crushes Buffalo
Thats it! I'm off the band wagon. No more band wagon. No more wagons in general. No more Berman and his raspy voice. I'm off! The score was 35-8 against a better, but not good Miami team. I'm about to lump the Bills in with Cleveland and Jacksonville. Should have known better. Even when the Bills were good they couldn't get it done. 3 straight super bowl losses, that sucks more than the whole prom night thing. Who has 2 thumbs and was the only dumb ass to take Buffalo this week? . . . This guy
Cowboys win thanks to a crappy kicker
Winner winner chicken dinner. This game won me my morning teaser. I'm sitting on my couch next to my wife almost praying that Graham Gano shanks a game winner in overtime, then screaming when he actually does. Loser. Then yelling again when the Cowboys go down the field and kick the game winner.
This has to be one of those moments when wives wonder why men yell at the TV. "You know they can't actually hear you." Don't care. And if I yell loud enough, they just might.
Let's take a time out here to discuss kickers. You do one thing. You have one job. Kick the ball between the yellow things. It would be like if all the center had to do was snap the ball, then he could just stop. No blocking, no moving around, just snap the ball. Kicking is all you work on in practice. There are no scheme changes week to week. In high school we lost a game 7-6 because our kicker missed an extra point. An extra point, that's right. I could have strangled him right there on the field until his little kicker legs popped off. I'm not bitter about it at all.
I think I told you this would be a closer game than people thought. Don't worry, I'll be horribly wrong later.
Cincinnati covers
Another game I thought would be close. I figured Baltimore would win. But you can't count out the Pale Rider to keep em close. He threw for over 300 yards against a Ravens defense that is perennially one of the best in the league. And he did it without his favorite target A.J. Green. If I were picking against anyone else who was using rational thought I might have gone up a game here. But instead, Dennis the Menace as took the Bengals as well. It's enough to make a grown man want to punch a stuffed animal.
The San Francisco Harbaughs dominate again
And now we get to the game where I couldn't have been more wrong. I had suggested that this game would be close and that I wouldn't be surprised if the Cardinals even won. Let's talk about the effort Arizona's offense put forward: Leading passer has 99 yards and no TDs, leading rusher had 34 yards and no TDs, and the leading receiver had 51 yards and no TDs. A grand total of 229 yards on offense and 5 turnovers.
Slow clap? . . . Anyone? . . . Let's start a slow clap for the Arizona Cardinals. Why? For providing every football analyst with another week of telling me how good Jim Harbaugh is as a coach. I hate that guy.
Seattle beats the Rams
Reason #1 why I can't stand the Seahawks. This game was a classic "Game we should win, but it's on the road, and just to keep everyone in Seattle wondering if we are good or not, we will lose" game. Reason #2: the Hawks are now 4-6 and have essentially played themselves out of a top 5 draft pick. They will win 6-8 games this year giving them a mediocre season and a mid level draft pick. That way they will continue their quest to never really get any better, but give the fans a false hope that they are a good team. And we all know hope is what kills dreams.
Atlanta covers vs. Tennessee
This game was essentially a coin flip for me. I knew it would be hard to pick, but thought the Falcons would score enough to cover at home. The line was 6.5 and the Falcons won by 6. I lost by half a point. What the hell is half a point? I can't picture it in my head. Is it what you get when the kicker is crappy enough to miss an extra point, but lucky enough to hit the cross bar.
Speaking of which, I think the NFL should institute a new rule where the kicker can declare that he will be aiming for the upright this time. If he hits the upright, his team gets 3 points instead of the 1 you usually get for an extra point. It would make this play far more exciting. Can you imagine a last second extra point, with a team down by 3. He declares that he will be aiming for the upright.
Good snap. Good hold. The kick is up . . . . It misses by inches. Then the kicker gets punched in the face by an offensive lineman. Great idea.
Chicago Wins and Loses
So last year Jay Cutler (who always looks like he has down syndrome) gets hurt in a playoff game, stand on the sideline to watch, and then spends the next 3 months getting his man hood question by everyone in the world. This week he breaks his thumb, plays the whole game, wins the game, and then doesn't speak a work of it after the game. All those people who were questioning his testicular fortitude before should now be saying how tough he is right? No one, really?
Last year people were calling him out after seeing him walk up stairs in a restaurant a week after he was injured. Now he does this and he gets no praise? If I were him I would carry a bag of footballs with me at all times. Anytime I saw a journalist or analyst who tore me down, I would rifle one at their dome from about 10 yards away. Far enough away not to cause permanent damage, but close enough to possible leave a mark forever.
Sunday night blunder
So I need this game to win my evening teaser. I figure it's in the bag, so I decide to not even watch. Then I remember something I read in one of Bill Simmons articles:
Don't forget the words of Justin in Omaha after Seattle ruined my Giants minus-9.5 pick three weeks ago: "I honestly can't believe you would take Eli in an obvious 'people think I am good again so I will show them how bad I can be' game." You don't want Eli around a suicide pool, a three-team teaser or your girlfriend.
My fault. I should have known better. Sure enough, I turn to the game and the Giants are losing to the Eagles who don't have Vick or Maclin. Cost me a pick and $26. Awesome.
Belichickyourself at the Door
Also the name of one of my fantasy teams. Let me paint you a picture here: going into this game I was 7 for 13 and the kid was 8 for 13. Which sucks cause the best I can do is tie a 2 year old. And sucks more because if for some act of God the Chiefs find a way to cover, then the kid beats me by 2 games again.
I turn the game on, it's the middle of the second quarter, and the Chiefs are winning 3-0. So I, by myself at home, proceed to release a string of profanity that only I can put together. It's actually pretty impressive, but few have ever heard it, unless you have coached baseball with me.
Luckily the Pats came back and won 34-4, but it got pretty ugly there for a second.
Season Tally
Kid 21-20
Me 19-22
Brent 6-8
Will gets on stage, and proceeds to bomb. Telling bad jokes and embarrassing himself until his friend, who actually works at this comes on stage and saves him.
There have been many comments about my picks and how I could possible be beaten by a 2 year old. So last week I threw out an invitation to anyone who wanted to pick with me. Especially those who think "How hard could it really be?"
A buddy of mine, who offered me help with my picks after our first week decided to join in this week, probably thinking he was better than me and that he would show this child genius who is Boss. Well after last nights games the totals are in:
Me 8 for 14
Kid 8 for 14
Brent 6 for 14
Decent week I thought, except for the fact that I make up no ground on the NFL savant that is a 2 year old blonde boy who bares striking resemblance to both Macaulay Culkin in home alone 1 and Dennis the Menace. Here is the Breakdown:
Denver beats the Jets
TEEEEEEEBOOOOOOOW! Hey, when I'm right, I'm right. And until this fear of being struck down by lightning for betting against the chosen one, I'm riding that golden chariot. The sad thing here is that the kid made his pick on Saturday, so this game had been over for 2 days. Did he somehow know that the Broncos had won? Is he smarter than I am giving him credit for? Or is this just another case of karma kicking me straight in the grapes?
Discount Double Check fails to cover
This was a lot of points, and I knew Tampa always plays well in Lambeau, but I took it anyway. Moron. LaGarette Blunt plows through all 11 Green Bay defenders, 3 coaches, 2 refs, and Clay Mathews mom (who has the same hair) in route to a long TD, then fake Lambeua leaps. I'm not a Blunt fan, on any level, but I do enjoy the kiss my ass maneuver. Guess who picked the Bucs to cover? . . . . KEVIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Home alone reference, for those of you not paying attention)
Back Door Cam gets Back Door Cam'd
For anybody who likes defense, this game made you want to stab your eyes out with a dull butter knife. (Too graphic? Don't care, defense wins championships) Cam throws 4 picks in the second half? 4? I could go out there and only throw 3 and I never played quarterback. Got fondled by a couple when I was playing center, but that's an awkward different story. The best part about this game, other than me picking it correctly, is the fact that at this point Brent is 0 for 3. How hard could it be?
Cleveland & Jacksonville Suck
I told, didn't I tell you. Fat girl. Prom Night. Gross. 24 combined points in this game and not because the defenses were dominant. Both stagnant offenses had over 300 yards. Both QBs were over 190 yards and both starting RBs were over 87 yards. Best part about this game? The kid and I cover, Brent is 0 for 4.
Hitting a golf ball straight off the Tee looks so easy, I can do that. How hard could it be to play on the PGA tour, I'm as good as those guys.
Al Davis lives on
Quick moment of silence for all of you who took Adrian Peterson with their first pick in Fantasy Football and now won't have him for the playoffs. It's ok to cry a little.
Brent picked a game right! Brent picked a game right! Ok, enough poking fun. He does make a solid come back later in the day. The Raiders are going to win the AFC west . . . . waiting for lightning . . . They have a huge offensive line, can run the ball, and Palmer doesn't look horrible. Guess the kid didn't see that one in his little toy crystal ball. If he was bigger I would fight him.
Miami crushes Buffalo
Thats it! I'm off the band wagon. No more band wagon. No more wagons in general. No more Berman and his raspy voice. I'm off! The score was 35-8 against a better, but not good Miami team. I'm about to lump the Bills in with Cleveland and Jacksonville. Should have known better. Even when the Bills were good they couldn't get it done. 3 straight super bowl losses, that sucks more than the whole prom night thing. Who has 2 thumbs and was the only dumb ass to take Buffalo this week? . . . This guy
Cowboys win thanks to a crappy kicker
Winner winner chicken dinner. This game won me my morning teaser. I'm sitting on my couch next to my wife almost praying that Graham Gano shanks a game winner in overtime, then screaming when he actually does. Loser. Then yelling again when the Cowboys go down the field and kick the game winner.
This has to be one of those moments when wives wonder why men yell at the TV. "You know they can't actually hear you." Don't care. And if I yell loud enough, they just might.
Let's take a time out here to discuss kickers. You do one thing. You have one job. Kick the ball between the yellow things. It would be like if all the center had to do was snap the ball, then he could just stop. No blocking, no moving around, just snap the ball. Kicking is all you work on in practice. There are no scheme changes week to week. In high school we lost a game 7-6 because our kicker missed an extra point. An extra point, that's right. I could have strangled him right there on the field until his little kicker legs popped off. I'm not bitter about it at all.
I think I told you this would be a closer game than people thought. Don't worry, I'll be horribly wrong later.
Cincinnati covers
Another game I thought would be close. I figured Baltimore would win. But you can't count out the Pale Rider to keep em close. He threw for over 300 yards against a Ravens defense that is perennially one of the best in the league. And he did it without his favorite target A.J. Green. If I were picking against anyone else who was using rational thought I might have gone up a game here. But instead, Dennis the Menace as took the Bengals as well. It's enough to make a grown man want to punch a stuffed animal.
The San Francisco Harbaughs dominate again
And now we get to the game where I couldn't have been more wrong. I had suggested that this game would be close and that I wouldn't be surprised if the Cardinals even won. Let's talk about the effort Arizona's offense put forward: Leading passer has 99 yards and no TDs, leading rusher had 34 yards and no TDs, and the leading receiver had 51 yards and no TDs. A grand total of 229 yards on offense and 5 turnovers.
Slow clap? . . . Anyone? . . . Let's start a slow clap for the Arizona Cardinals. Why? For providing every football analyst with another week of telling me how good Jim Harbaugh is as a coach. I hate that guy.
Seattle beats the Rams
Reason #1 why I can't stand the Seahawks. This game was a classic "Game we should win, but it's on the road, and just to keep everyone in Seattle wondering if we are good or not, we will lose" game. Reason #2: the Hawks are now 4-6 and have essentially played themselves out of a top 5 draft pick. They will win 6-8 games this year giving them a mediocre season and a mid level draft pick. That way they will continue their quest to never really get any better, but give the fans a false hope that they are a good team. And we all know hope is what kills dreams.
Atlanta covers vs. Tennessee
This game was essentially a coin flip for me. I knew it would be hard to pick, but thought the Falcons would score enough to cover at home. The line was 6.5 and the Falcons won by 6. I lost by half a point. What the hell is half a point? I can't picture it in my head. Is it what you get when the kicker is crappy enough to miss an extra point, but lucky enough to hit the cross bar.
Speaking of which, I think the NFL should institute a new rule where the kicker can declare that he will be aiming for the upright this time. If he hits the upright, his team gets 3 points instead of the 1 you usually get for an extra point. It would make this play far more exciting. Can you imagine a last second extra point, with a team down by 3. He declares that he will be aiming for the upright.
Good snap. Good hold. The kick is up . . . . It misses by inches. Then the kicker gets punched in the face by an offensive lineman. Great idea.
Chicago Wins and Loses
So last year Jay Cutler (who always looks like he has down syndrome) gets hurt in a playoff game, stand on the sideline to watch, and then spends the next 3 months getting his man hood question by everyone in the world. This week he breaks his thumb, plays the whole game, wins the game, and then doesn't speak a work of it after the game. All those people who were questioning his testicular fortitude before should now be saying how tough he is right? No one, really?
Last year people were calling him out after seeing him walk up stairs in a restaurant a week after he was injured. Now he does this and he gets no praise? If I were him I would carry a bag of footballs with me at all times. Anytime I saw a journalist or analyst who tore me down, I would rifle one at their dome from about 10 yards away. Far enough away not to cause permanent damage, but close enough to possible leave a mark forever.
Sunday night blunder
So I need this game to win my evening teaser. I figure it's in the bag, so I decide to not even watch. Then I remember something I read in one of Bill Simmons articles:
Don't forget the words of Justin in Omaha after Seattle ruined my Giants minus-9.5 pick three weeks ago: "I honestly can't believe you would take Eli in an obvious 'people think I am good again so I will show them how bad I can be' game." You don't want Eli around a suicide pool, a three-team teaser or your girlfriend.
My fault. I should have known better. Sure enough, I turn to the game and the Giants are losing to the Eagles who don't have Vick or Maclin. Cost me a pick and $26. Awesome.
Belichickyourself at the Door
Also the name of one of my fantasy teams. Let me paint you a picture here: going into this game I was 7 for 13 and the kid was 8 for 13. Which sucks cause the best I can do is tie a 2 year old. And sucks more because if for some act of God the Chiefs find a way to cover, then the kid beats me by 2 games again.
I turn the game on, it's the middle of the second quarter, and the Chiefs are winning 3-0. So I, by myself at home, proceed to release a string of profanity that only I can put together. It's actually pretty impressive, but few have ever heard it, unless you have coached baseball with me.
Luckily the Pats came back and won 34-4, but it got pretty ugly there for a second.
Season Tally
Kid 21-20
Me 19-22
Brent 6-8
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Kids Picks Week 11
It was a struggle for the kids picks this week. There was a definite lack of focus on his part. Some people aren't cut out for the in and out, day to day grind that this is. I don't care if he's 2. Don't step up to the table if you can't finish your meal. This isn't a sprint, it's a marathon, and if you don't maintain focus you're gonna get beat by a better player.
That being said, I'm sure the kid goes 14 for 14 this week and smokes me. Here they are:
Denver
Tampa Bay
Detroit
Cleveland
Minnesota
Miami
Dallas
Cincinnati
Arizona
St. Louis
Tennessee
Chicago
NY Giants
Kansas City
That being said, I'm sure the kid goes 14 for 14 this week and smokes me. Here they are:
Denver
Tampa Bay
Detroit
Cleveland
Minnesota
Miami
Dallas
Cincinnati
Arizona
St. Louis
Tennessee
Chicago
NY Giants
Kansas City
Friday, November 18, 2011
Brent Evans Picks Week 11
Brent Evans, Process Manager at Encore Glass and Co-Founder of Keg Day has joined in the fun. Here are his picks:
Jets
Falcons
Dolphins
Ravens
Jaguars
Raiders
Panthers
Packers
Cowboys
49ers
Seahawks
Bears
Giants
Patriots
Falcons
Dolphins
Ravens
Jaguars
Raiders
Panthers
Packers
Cowboys
49ers
Seahawks
Bears
Giants
Patriots
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Week 11 Picks
Denver +7 vs New York Jets
Cleveland +1.5 vs. Jacksonville
This could be the fastest game over the past 20 years. Denver isn't going to attempt over 10 passes and the jets won't be that far behind. Vegas has a prop bet on Tebow's Over/under completions at 11. Since there could very well be 100 combined rushing attempts in this game, I'm taking the under on that and I don't bet against TEEEEEEEEBOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!! mostly for my fear of lightning.
Green Bay -13 vs. Tampa Bay
 |
| Discount Double Check |
I had a tough time picking this game. Tampa Bay traditionally plays well in Lambeau, winning their last 2 trips there. But that was 2009 and 2008 when the Pack wasn't as good. +800 right now in Vegas for the Packers to run the table, but I'm not touching that. Throw down $100 on that and I would be standing in my living room by myself for the next 7 Sundays yelling at the TV until I finally just passed out from the rage.
Tampa has lost 4 of their last 5, all to decent teams, and I see them keeping "Discount Double Check" to around 33 points. I just don't see Tampa scoring more than 20.
While we are talking about the Pack, I would like to congratulate my buddy who won his own Eliminator league this week with the Packers win. This is the same buddy who gave everyone a freebie after week 7 when each team lost, including his own. Nothing like bending the rules to make yourself an extra $200. Congrats!
Detroit -7 vs. Back Door Cam
Has any player been more hyped without winning games than Cam Newton? Fantasy stud. Athletic as hell. But 2-7 with losses to Arizona, Minnesota, and crushed by Tennessee last week. At least TEEEEEEEEBOOOOOOOOOW wins games. Back Door Cam is more of the taker than the giver. The Lions have to be pissed after being embarassed for the past couple of weeks. They haven't been the same team since Jim Schwartz flipped out and went all puffed up chest, small barking dog on Jim Harbaugh. But they have to get back on track sometime right?
Cleveland +1.5 vs. Jacksonville
Both these teams suck. And not just a little bit. I mean like fat ugly girl on prom night suck. These two teams have broke 20 points 1 time each this year. How embarrassing is that? Not to mention, how pissed is David Garrard right now? He has to be watching the Jags play with a bottle of Jack and a bucket that catches little pieces of his dignity every time Blaine Gabbert throws a pick and runs off the field looking like "Sunshine" from Remember the Titans. Browns cover, but only because they are at home.
Oakland -1 at Minnesota
What if I told you Oakland is 3-1 on the road this year?
What if I told you Oakland is 4-0 against the spread on the road this year?
What if I told you that Minnesota sucks? That they're 1-4 at home this year?
I'll tell you exactly what is going to happen in this game: I started Michael Bush in my touchdowns only fantasy league this week. So he is going to fumble twice, then get hurt so he ends up with negative points. Denarius Moore will score 2 more TDs since I cut him. And Oakland will find someway to win by 1/2 a point so I lose this game to a 2 year old who will undoubtedly pick the Vikings. But I'm still going with the Raiders.
Buffalo +2 at Miami
Miami seems to be getting better and Buffalo seems to be getting worse. I picked Buffalo last week and they proceeded to bend over and get "Back Door Cam'd". But nobody circles the wagons. . . (Damn you Berman). I'm still on the Buffalo bandwagon, but I'm close to the only one left. They rush for 135 per game, so they can control the clock (which is good cause their defense is horrible). They have offensive weapons and can put up points. In the end I think this is a close game, so I'll take the 2 point buffer.
Washington +7.5 vs. Dallas
Bengals +9 at Baltimore
Arizona +10 at San Francisco
I know what you're thinking, and you don't need to call me names. At this point, the whole NFC east is a crap shoot and in reality the Cowboys only have 2 more wins than the Redskins (one being against the Seahawks on the road, who suck). In the past 10 years the Cowboys have only beaten the Redskins by more than 7 three times.
I am definitely on the Bengal bandwagon. There's a lot of names out there for Andy Dalton right now: Red Rocket, Red Rifle, Shawshank (Andy & Red), and my personal favorite The Pale Rider. Ok, so I had the Bengals last week and they didn't cover. But they did push, against a good Steelers team. I know Baltimore is coming off an embarrassing loss to Seatlle (it sounds even more ridiculous when you say it). But last time they came off their embarrassing loss to Jacksonville they only beat the Cardinals by 3. The Pale Rider carries them through.
Arizona is playing better (beat the Eagles, beat the Rams, lost by 3 to the Ravens). I'm not saying they are going to win, but I wouldn't be surprised if they do. Do we really think the 49ers are going to go 15-1? Frank Gore is banged up, which might hurt them controlling the clock. They don't have anyone who can cover Fitzgerald. And I think John Skelton is a better passer than Alex Smith, but then again my unborn daughter is a better passer than Alex Smith. Number 1 overall. Good call by not taking Aaron Rodgers, that wouldn't have worked out very well.
St. Louis -3 vs. Seattle
I don't like the Seahawks. I don't know why. I grew up in a suburb of Seattle. From the ages of 13 to 18 I was friends with Seahawks quarterbacks coaches kid, so I had free tickets to the games anytime I wanted. I also got to go into the coaches suites and the coaches post game after party. I went to a Seahawks christmas party once with all the players, coaches, and their families. I used to go down onto the field after the games to run around and play catch with my buddy. Like I said, I don't know why I don't like them. But I do know that they are horrible on the road, and St. Louis is playing better.
Atlanta -6.5 vs. Tennessee
Tough game to pick. Tennessee coming a big win over Carolina and Atlanta coming off the Mike Smith overtime debacle. The Falcons are now 2 games back in the NFC south and need this win to keep pace with the Saints. However, the Titans are 2 games back of the Texans who recently lost Matt Schaub for the year. So they probably have some hope of winning the division now that Matt Leinhart is taking over. What the hell happened to that guy? How come nobody talks about him as one of the biggest flops ever? Come on, he's one interview flip out from being the next Ryan Leaf. Somebody has to take that spot over. It's a black eye on an otherwise spotless Coug image.
Chicago -4 vs. San Diego
Why is this line not higher? The Bears are at home, in the cold, against a bad warm weather team. The Chargers are 4-5 by the way. Who have they beat? Minnesota, Kansas City, Miaimi, and Denver B.T. (That's Before Tebow). Honestly I think this should be a double digit line. Which means that someone in Vegas knows something I don't. This is about the time of year when San Diego turns it on and wins 6 in a row. I'm sure the Chargers will win by 14 and the kid will pick them. But I'm sticking with the Bears.
New York Giants -3.5 vs. Philadelphia
So let me get this straight: In week 3 the Giants go to Philly and beat the Eagles by 13. Now the Eagles, without Vick, are going to New York and the line is only 3.5? What the hell is going on here? Are there some obvious points that I don't see? Am I to believe the Vince Young or Mike Kafka is going to lead the Eagles to victory with no Jeremy Maclin and a Desean Jackson that doesn't want to play?
Quick side note. When did it become ok to put letters on the front of a regular name? Desean. D'Anthony. DaBrickishaw. That last one is my favorite name of all time. I would name one of my own kids that, boy or girl, if my wife wouldn't kill me in my sleep.
The Giants look like a no brainer here. Which is why the Eagles will cover.
New England -14.5 vs. Kansas City
I'm not even going to over think this. I'm taking Belichick. Shut your mouth, I don't care how many points it is. Make it 20, I'm still taking it.
But seriously 14.5 points? This is still the NFL right? This is like an Oklahoma vs. Ball State line.
Good luck to you and your picks this week. If you would like to join in with my Battle to de-throne the 2 year old genius, just email me your picks by Friday of each week and I will post them on the blog.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Here were the picks for this past week:
San Diego -7 vs. Oakland.
The kid and I both took the Chargers here. I would like to thank Philip Rivers, whom I also own in a touchdown heavy fantasy league for his stellar performance this week. In that same league I chose to keep Michael Bush on the bench, and drop Denarius Moore 2 weeks ago. I should have known by Thursday of this week that it was going to suck.
We both lost this one, Me 0 Kid 0
Pittsburgh -4 at Cinncinati
Again the kid and I were on the same page. The best way to not lose to a 2 year old is to pick exactly the same as him. No way the Steelers were losing 2 in a row. We both get a "W". Me 1 Kid 1
Denver +3 at Kansas City
The kid took KC here. As much as I would like to bet against Tebow in some of these games, I find myself somewhat afraid that I will be struck down by lightning if I do. Besides the Cheifs took me out in week 1 of an eliminator pool ran by a guy who gives everyone who makes it past week 6 a second chance if their team loses.
I'm not bitter about it at all.
Tebow goes 2-8 and another week I'm lightning free. Me 2 Kid 1
Jacksonville -3 at Indianapolis
The kid went the same way. Bill Simmons says a gambling opportunity like the Colts comes along ever so often, but when it does you have to jump it. Riding the suck for Luck bandwagon. Jags cover. Me 3 Kid 2
Buffalo +4.5 at Dallas
The kid took Dallas here. This is where I start my brilliant ride into the depths of hell. Not only did I take the Bills here, but I got them at +11 in my morning teaser. Then the Bills proceeded to remind me that they are really not that good. They choose not to play defense, and forget that Ivy League QBs went to the Ivy League for a reason. They weren't good enough to go to a FBS school.
I don't even think they have wagons to circle anymore in Buffalo. F*%$in Chris Berman.
Me 3 Kid 3
Houston -3.5 at Tampa Bay
Houston is playing way to well to not cover against a bad Bucs team, and they do. Unfortunately the kid took the Texans as well. Sneaky little bastard (No offense to his parents). Me 4 Kid 4
Carolina -3 vs. Tennessee
No way "Back Door Cam" doesn't cover against a bad Titans team right?
Wait, why am I rooting for a guy named "Back Door Cam"?
I lose this game on testicular principles alone. Haselbeck finds another way to screw someone from Washington over. Luckily the kid went the same way I did. Ha! Me 4 Kid 4
Miami -4 vs. Washington
How bad are the Redskins? Seriously. What do you do if you are Mike Shannahan? This has to be one of the top 5 worst runs by a big name coach ever. At this point he has a worse record that Steve Spurrier and Jim Zorn.
That's right, Jim Zorn. When Jim Zorn is better than you, it's time to find a hole and lay it in. Miami covers, but the kid took the fins as well. Really? Me 5 Kid 5
Atlanta pk vs. New Orleans
Kid took the Falcons as well, weird.
4th and inches, on your own 29, in overtime when all New Orleans needs is a FG to win. What is the thought process here? If you make it, you can't kick a 87 yard FG to win. Does being on crutches lower your intelligence level to that of a high school freshman?
Is it coincidence that the day before I saw an equally dumb move on 4th down that cost Seattle Prep a state playoff game? You gotta love that coaches prepare endlessly for these games, then when a little pressure is put on them, their brains turn to jello.
This game is the beginning of a streak for me going 0 for 6 on picks. Impressive, huh?
Me 5 Kid 5
Detroit +3 at Chicago
Bears score 3 defensive TDs against me in a TD only fantasy league and the kid took the bears. I don't want to talk about it.
Me 5 Kid 6
Cleveland -3 vs St. Louis
Kid took the Browns. How much does it suck to be a sports fan in Cleveland? You would think their hate for LeBron would fuel them to at least one good game. Rams cover. Fear the Madden curse.
Me 5 Kid 6
Baltimore -7.5 at Seattle
The only thing more improbably than the Seahawks beating a Ravens team that beat up the steelers twice, is that the kid would pick the Seahawks to do it.
Me 5 Kid 7
New York Giants +3.5 at San Francisco
I don't know what it is about Jim Harbaugh, but I don't like him, and I think it affects my picks. "Let's attack the day with enthusiasm unknown to mankind!!!!"
Who says that kind of stuff? People who beat me apparently. Kid took the 49ers.
Me 5 Kid 8
New York Jets +1 vs. New England
I deserve this for picking against Belichick. Especially in a game where he is playing his archrival Jabba the Rex. Only good thing here is that the kid took the Jets as well.
Me 5 Kid 8
Green Bay -13.5 vs. Minnesota
Kid picked the Vikings. Who cares. I just lost by 2 games to 2 year old.
Me 6 Kid 8
Season Total
Me 11 Kid 13
Monday, November 14, 2011
Every week I will be making my NFL picks against the spread. Now I don't claim to know what I'm doing or be any good at this. I read Grantland.com articles, use Spreadapedia.com for data, and use other sources to make my picks but there is no expert knowledge on my part.
My friends son will be my competition for the remainder of the NFL season and playoffs. He just turned 2 years old a little while ago and has less knowledge on the NFL than I do, although not by much. We printed off pictures of each teams logo on a separate sheet of paper. We then present each game match-up as a pair of logos to the kid and ask him to pick which one he likes best.
Last week, week 9 in the NFL, was our first week and we picked a total of 12 games. After Monday I was 5 for 12, not a real good week, and the kid went 5 for 12.
We tied.
Awesome. Not as testosterone crushing as losing to a 2 year old, but close.
Each week, on Friday, I will post my picks with a little explanation of why I chose them. Along with a match-up update piece on the following Tuesday.
My friends son will be my competition for the remainder of the NFL season and playoffs. He just turned 2 years old a little while ago and has less knowledge on the NFL than I do, although not by much. We printed off pictures of each teams logo on a separate sheet of paper. We then present each game match-up as a pair of logos to the kid and ask him to pick which one he likes best.
Last week, week 9 in the NFL, was our first week and we picked a total of 12 games. After Monday I was 5 for 12, not a real good week, and the kid went 5 for 12.
We tied.
Awesome. Not as testosterone crushing as losing to a 2 year old, but close.
Each week, on Friday, I will post my picks with a little explanation of why I chose them. Along with a match-up update piece on the following Tuesday.
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