There is a great episode of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, with Will Smith. I may be dating myself for those of you younger than 20. DL Hughley plays a friend of Will's from Philly who is now a stand-up comedian. Will goes on to make fun of him, saying it's not a real job and anybody can do it. So Will tries to do his own stand up act in front of a crowd, cause he thinks he is funny and how hard could it really be?
Will gets on stage, and proceeds to bomb. Telling bad jokes and embarrassing himself until his friend, who actually works at this comes on stage and saves him.
There have been many comments about my picks and how I could possible be beaten by a 2 year old. So last week I threw out an invitation to anyone who wanted to pick with me. Especially those who think "How hard could it really be?"
A buddy of mine, who offered me help with my picks after our first week decided to join in this week, probably thinking he was better than me and that he would show this child genius who is Boss. Well after last nights games the totals are in:
Me 8 for 14
Kid 8 for 14
Brent 6 for 14
Decent week I thought, except for the fact that I make up no ground on the NFL savant that is a 2 year old blonde boy who bares striking resemblance to both Macaulay Culkin in home alone 1 and Dennis the Menace. Here is the Breakdown:
Denver beats the Jets
TEEEEEEEBOOOOOOOW! Hey, when I'm right, I'm right. And until this fear of being struck down by lightning for betting against the chosen one, I'm riding that golden chariot. The sad thing here is that the kid made his pick on Saturday, so this game had been over for 2 days. Did he somehow know that the Broncos had won? Is he smarter than I am giving him credit for? Or is this just another case of karma kicking me straight in the grapes?
Discount Double Check fails to cover
This was a lot of points, and I knew Tampa always plays well in Lambeau, but I took it anyway. Moron. LaGarette Blunt plows through all 11 Green Bay defenders, 3 coaches, 2 refs, and Clay Mathews mom (who has the same hair) in route to a long TD, then fake Lambeua leaps. I'm not a Blunt fan, on any level, but I do enjoy the kiss my ass maneuver. Guess who picked the Bucs to cover? . . . . KEVIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Home alone reference, for those of you not paying attention)
Back Door Cam gets Back Door Cam'd
For anybody who likes defense, this game made you want to stab your eyes out with a dull butter knife. (Too graphic? Don't care, defense wins championships) Cam throws 4 picks in the second half? 4? I could go out there and only throw 3 and I never played quarterback. Got fondled by a couple when I was playing center, but that's an awkward different story. The best part about this game, other than me picking it correctly, is the fact that at this point Brent is 0 for 3. How hard could it be?
Cleveland & Jacksonville Suck
I told, didn't I tell you. Fat girl. Prom Night. Gross. 24 combined points in this game and not because the defenses were dominant. Both stagnant offenses had over 300 yards. Both QBs were over 190 yards and both starting RBs were over 87 yards. Best part about this game? The kid and I cover, Brent is 0 for 4.
Hitting a golf ball straight off the Tee looks so easy, I can do that. How hard could it be to play on the PGA tour, I'm as good as those guys.
Al Davis lives on
Quick moment of silence for all of you who took Adrian Peterson with their first pick in Fantasy Football and now won't have him for the playoffs. It's ok to cry a little.
Brent picked a game right! Brent picked a game right! Ok, enough poking fun. He does make a solid come back later in the day. The Raiders are going to win the AFC west . . . . waiting for lightning . . . They have a huge offensive line, can run the ball, and Palmer doesn't look horrible. Guess the kid didn't see that one in his little toy crystal ball. If he was bigger I would fight him.
Miami crushes Buffalo
Thats it! I'm off the band wagon. No more band wagon. No more wagons in general. No more Berman and his raspy voice. I'm off! The score was 35-8 against a better, but not good Miami team. I'm about to lump the Bills in with Cleveland and Jacksonville. Should have known better. Even when the Bills were good they couldn't get it done. 3 straight super bowl losses, that sucks more than the whole prom night thing. Who has 2 thumbs and was the only dumb ass to take Buffalo this week? . . . This guy
Cowboys win thanks to a crappy kicker
Winner winner chicken dinner. This game won me my morning teaser. I'm sitting on my couch next to my wife almost praying that Graham Gano shanks a game winner in overtime, then screaming when he actually does. Loser. Then yelling again when the Cowboys go down the field and kick the game winner.
This has to be one of those moments when wives wonder why men yell at the TV. "You know they can't actually hear you." Don't care. And if I yell loud enough, they just might.
Let's take a time out here to discuss kickers. You do one thing. You have one job. Kick the ball between the yellow things. It would be like if all the center had to do was snap the ball, then he could just stop. No blocking, no moving around, just snap the ball. Kicking is all you work on in practice. There are no scheme changes week to week. In high school we lost a game 7-6 because our kicker missed an extra point. An extra point, that's right. I could have strangled him right there on the field until his little kicker legs popped off. I'm not bitter about it at all.
I think I told you this would be a closer game than people thought. Don't worry, I'll be horribly wrong later.
Cincinnati covers
Another game I thought would be close. I figured Baltimore would win. But you can't count out the Pale Rider to keep em close. He threw for over 300 yards against a Ravens defense that is perennially one of the best in the league. And he did it without his favorite target A.J. Green. If I were picking against anyone else who was using rational thought I might have gone up a game here. But instead, Dennis the Menace as took the Bengals as well. It's enough to make a grown man want to punch a stuffed animal.
The San Francisco Harbaughs dominate again
And now we get to the game where I couldn't have been more wrong. I had suggested that this game would be close and that I wouldn't be surprised if the Cardinals even won. Let's talk about the effort Arizona's offense put forward: Leading passer has 99 yards and no TDs, leading rusher had 34 yards and no TDs, and the leading receiver had 51 yards and no TDs. A grand total of 229 yards on offense and 5 turnovers.
Slow clap? . . . Anyone? . . . Let's start a slow clap for the Arizona Cardinals. Why? For providing every football analyst with another week of telling me how good Jim Harbaugh is as a coach. I hate that guy.
Seattle beats the Rams
Reason #1 why I can't stand the Seahawks. This game was a classic "Game we should win, but it's on the road, and just to keep everyone in Seattle wondering if we are good or not, we will lose" game. Reason #2: the Hawks are now 4-6 and have essentially played themselves out of a top 5 draft pick. They will win 6-8 games this year giving them a mediocre season and a mid level draft pick. That way they will continue their quest to never really get any better, but give the fans a false hope that they are a good team. And we all know hope is what kills dreams.
Atlanta covers vs. Tennessee
This game was essentially a coin flip for me. I knew it would be hard to pick, but thought the Falcons would score enough to cover at home. The line was 6.5 and the Falcons won by 6. I lost by half a point. What the hell is half a point? I can't picture it in my head. Is it what you get when the kicker is crappy enough to miss an extra point, but lucky enough to hit the cross bar.
Speaking of which, I think the NFL should institute a new rule where the kicker can declare that he will be aiming for the upright this time. If he hits the upright, his team gets 3 points instead of the 1 you usually get for an extra point. It would make this play far more exciting. Can you imagine a last second extra point, with a team down by 3. He declares that he will be aiming for the upright.
Good snap. Good hold. The kick is up . . . . It misses by inches. Then the kicker gets punched in the face by an offensive lineman. Great idea.
Chicago Wins and Loses
So last year Jay Cutler (who always looks like he has down syndrome) gets hurt in a playoff game, stand on the sideline to watch, and then spends the next 3 months getting his man hood question by everyone in the world. This week he breaks his thumb, plays the whole game, wins the game, and then doesn't speak a work of it after the game. All those people who were questioning his testicular fortitude before should now be saying how tough he is right? No one, really?
Last year people were calling him out after seeing him walk up stairs in a restaurant a week after he was injured. Now he does this and he gets no praise? If I were him I would carry a bag of footballs with me at all times. Anytime I saw a journalist or analyst who tore me down, I would rifle one at their dome from about 10 yards away. Far enough away not to cause permanent damage, but close enough to possible leave a mark forever.
Sunday night blunder
So I need this game to win my evening teaser. I figure it's in the bag, so I decide to not even watch. Then I remember something I read in one of Bill Simmons articles:
Don't forget the words of Justin in Omaha after Seattle ruined my Giants minus-9.5 pick three weeks ago: "I honestly can't believe you would take Eli in an obvious 'people think I am good again so I will show them how bad I can be' game." You don't want Eli around a suicide pool, a three-team teaser or your girlfriend.
My fault. I should have known better. Sure enough, I turn to the game and the Giants are losing to the Eagles who don't have Vick or Maclin. Cost me a pick and $26. Awesome.
Belichickyourself at the Door
Also the name of one of my fantasy teams. Let me paint you a picture here: going into this game I was 7 for 13 and the kid was 8 for 13. Which sucks cause the best I can do is tie a 2 year old. And sucks more because if for some act of God the Chiefs find a way to cover, then the kid beats me by 2 games again.
I turn the game on, it's the middle of the second quarter, and the Chiefs are winning 3-0. So I, by myself at home, proceed to release a string of profanity that only I can put together. It's actually pretty impressive, but few have ever heard it, unless you have coached baseball with me.
Luckily the Pats came back and won 34-4, but it got pretty ugly there for a second.
Season Tally
Kid 21-20
Me 19-22
Brent 6-8
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