Thanksgiving is a great time. Let's get together with a bunch of family that we rarely see and stuff ourselves full of as much tranquilizing food as humanly possible. Nothing better than seeing a distant Uncle unbutton his pants after a large meal, especially if he's an in-law. Speaking of in-laws I would like to share the story of my first Thanksgiving with my in-laws. It's a long one, so make sure you have time to read it.
If nobody hears from me after this, it's because my wife killed me. Remember me well.
The year was 2009 and my wife and I had been married that October. Just enough time for me to get to know all my in-laws, but I'm still the new guy who doesn't say very much and still feels awkward around a crowd of people I don't know. Let's be honest, I'm not what you would call a "people person", so I don't like to be around any group of people.
Quick time out. I'm an only child. Our Thanksgivings topped out an a total of 9-10 people. Football was always on. I always drank beers. It was very quiet and relaxing.
My wife has 3 siblings. Her brother is married with 2 kids under the age of 3, and 2 sisters. So including me, we are up to 10 people already. Oh but wait, my mother-in-laws twin sisters family would be there as well. They too had 4 kids, 2 of them married, and their oldest had 3 kids under the age of 6. Let's tally this up here:
4 older aged people
12 adults/teens
5 kids
That's 21 freaking people! We may have well just gone and eaten at a Granny's Buffet. Later on that suggestion won't be as stupid as it sounds. At this point my game plan is to sit in the corner, keep my mouth shut, watch some football, and make this as painless as possible.
So we show up to my father-in-laws house around 1pm, right in the middle of the first game. The TV is not on. Let me repeat that. The TV is not on. Deep breaths. Relax. Maybe it's just a mistake. Everyone watches football on Thanksgiving right? So I quietly pull my wife aside an to try find out what the hell is going on. She then tells me that the TV is never on cause #1 her mom doesn't like TV and #2 it would take away from people mingling and talking.
I don't know if you ever seen a 250 lbs. man go into complete panic mode, but I was getting close. First off who doesn't like TV? What do you do with your day? You have couches, what do you do when you are sitting on them? Secondly there were a total of 5 people in the house at this time and I'm not a mingler anyway. Am I in a dream? That's got to be it. This is just a dream. Wake up!!!
Turns out, not a dream. No football on Thanksgiving. I'm almost tearing up just thinking about it. Deep breaths. Calm down. We will just have to up our beer intake to even out the lack of football. Who can see what's coming next? No beer. Have you ever been in a situation that you knew you needed to get out and you can almost hear sirens and warning signs in your head. Evacuate! Luckily I picked up a little trick from my boy Huhn and brought an emergency cooler in the car with beers. Turns out, 21 people, 6 of them adult males, and I'm the only guy who brought beer. By the end of the night I felt like a drug dealer. Cousins were coming up to me quietly saying "I heard you have some beers in the car. Can I get one of those?" Sure buddy, the first one's free.
Let's recap here. Double the acceptable amount of people for my Thanksgiving. No football and I'm slangin beer out of the back of my truck. Can't get much worse right?
They are starting to put food on the table. Food is good, I like food. Things are looking up. Just then 3 of the female cousins start singing a song together in the kitchen. At first I thought it was just a quick chorus, then it kept going on. Am I trapped in a musical? That has to be it. You never see TV or beer in a musical. God has trapped me in some musical hell. I need a beer.
The singing stopped. Time for dinner. I sit down right next to my wife and right behind my brother-in-laws kids, who are like mini Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hydes. Sometimes they are nice and smiling, but you don't want to get too close or say something too loud otherwise they snap and ruin every ounce of peace you've ever had in your entire life.
Timing is everything. Just as my wife leans over and says "How are you doing?" My brother-in-laws older kid lets out a blood curdling scream less than 6 inches away from my ear. So high pitched you would think somebody was stabbing the kid, not trying to feed him turkey. Now I understand that all kids scream, but not like this. Five minutes into the screaming they decide to take him into another room and away from my ear. 30 minutes later the screaming stopped. I need a beer.
Back to the food. Keep your head down. Push through. The meal is almost over, there can't be much more time left.
So we get done eating and I see a couple of the cousins stand up and start stretching; trunk rotations, shoulder stretches, back stretches. My first thought was: "What the hell are they doing?" Then I started to think maybe they were trying to stretch out the food they just ate to become more comfortable. They are all skinny people. They don't have near the storage capacity that I do. Maybe they have done this before. Maybe if I start stretching I can go back for more turkey. . . . . The mind wanders when you don't talk to anyone. I need a beer.
Then the brother-in-law suggests that we all go outside and throw the football around. I have a bad feeling about this. My wife and I are not elite athletes. We are in good shape and were both good high school athletes. She played college basketball and I played community college baseball, but that would be the combined athletic accomplishments of all 21 people present. So lets go throw a football around with a bunch of people who have caught very few things in their lives. You know that scene in "Meet the Parents" when Focher gets into the pool with his banana hammock to play volleyball, then spikes the ball off the bride to be's face and breaks her nose? That's what I'm imagining in my head right now. I'm gonna throw a football, it's gonna go right through some poor girls hands, and shatter he nose like a glass vase.
"I'm good. I'll just watch. Thanks though." I need a beer.
As I'm watching this display of below average middle school athletics, I see two of the children playing with a soccer ball. Well, one of them is playing. Actually, the 1 year old is sitting in the grass and the 4 year old keeps picking up the soccer ball and throwing it off the 1 year olds head from a foot away. There are 14 people over the age of 20 watching this happen and laughing cause they think it's funny and I'm the only one who seems upset that this is taking place. If that were my kid getting hit in the head I would go pick up that soccer ball and throw it off the 4 year olds head.
"Doesn't feel real good does it Timmy?"
Maybe I should slow down on the beers.
This has to be nearing the end. I'm nearing the point where I open my mouth to say something I shouldn't and anyone who knows me knows that is never a good thing.
"Oreo Cookies!!!"
That is the code word for a buddy of mine and me. When either one of us starts saying stuff we shouldn't, due to lack of internal filter, the other is supposed to say, "Oreo Cookies." That is our cue to shut-up.
I know what you're thinking: do you really need a code word to stop saying things you shouldn't. And the answer is yes. I once told a bouncer at a Casino that if they were going to drag me out of here they were going to need somebody bigger than you. I absolutely need a code word.
So we all go back inside. This day is nearing an end. I've made it through. Didn't even piss anyone off.
"Let's play a game!" . . . . . .What? Who said that? Do I have anything near to throw at them?
"What game?" . . . . "Clue?" . . . . "Monopoly?" . . . . . "I know, let's play Twister"
Are you $&%ing kidding me? This isn't happening, right? A group of adults, who are relatives are going to play twister? No chance, right? This kind of thing doesn't happen in the real world, only on the Cosby show. Somebody has to stop this before it really happens. I look to my father-in-law to be the voice of reason here. Nothing. Oh $#@&. This is really going to happen. How many beers do I have left?
They actually grabbed the game. They're spreading out the mat with all the colored dots. I can't believe this is happening. I love my wife more than anything in the world. But at this point I am seriously questioning our marriage.
Then it hits me. Be the spinner guy. Spinner guy is part of the game, but he doesn't have to awkwardly touch his mother-in-law or bend over his wifes uncle. I'm a genius.
So first all the girls play and I'm big time. "Right hand red." Best idea ever.
Then all the older adults play. Some people shouldn't bend after they reach a certain age by the way.
Then all the kids play. Then they call out for all the people who married into this circus to play. Abort! Abort! Plan back fired. Should have snuck outside. Why didn't I fake explosive diarrhea? Damn.
So I politely decline, hoping the others will do the same. But instead they are taking off their shoes and moving to the playing mat. Of course they are. I politely decline again. Then it starts to happen.
There are several times in a man's life when he would enjoy having his name chanted. During an impressive chug of something during college. As an athlete standing on the field or court before a big play happens.
At no point does a man ever think one of those times would be sitting in your in-laws living room being rooted on to play a game of twister. No lie. This really happened. You can't make this stuff up. What was I to do? I can't be the jack ass who sits in the chair while everyone chants his name and not get up and play. So I took my shoes off, seriously contemplating divorce or at least a momentary separation. Will they let me play with a beer in my hand?
It was me and 2 other guys in what ranks as one of the top 5 worst times in my life. We're stretching and twisting and maneuvering around each other. And just when I think it couldn't get any more awkward, a 5 year old boy crawls between my legs from behind.
That first Thanksgiving was not my best. I did survive, and maybe more impressive, so did everyone else. So whenever you think you had a bad Thanksgiving, I want you to remember Twister.
Thanksgiving Picks
Two great games this Thursday and one ok game. But the best lineup of games since I have been alive.
Detroit +6 vs. Green Bay
The Lions are 16-17 on turkey day, 2-4 versus the Packers, and 10-7 versus teams that don't have to travel very far. This game will be a shoot out. Take the over whatever it is. Be thankful if you get to watch this game because it will be the most exciting one of the day. Not my favorite game of the day, due to the lack of defense, and we all know defense wins championships.
This game will be a lot like many of the Madden video games I was forced to watch my roommates play in college. Did I ever get to play? Not much. Why? I wasn't good enough to challenge them. Well if you two would put down the controller and go to class maybe I could get a little better.
The Packers have only ever played the Lions on Thanksgiving and are 2-0 under Mike McCarthy. But the Pack gives up almost 400 yards of offense per game. My feeling here is last team with the ball wins. It's a thanksgiving miracle!!
Baltimore -3 vs San Francisco
Who would you rather have Thanksgiving dinner with the Ryan brothers or the Harbaugh brothers? The answer, without a question, is the Ryan brothers. I bet the Harbaughs spend the day breaking down film, arm wrestling, and a nice post dinner jog. Whereas the Ryan brothers drink beer, pound turkey, swear at each other, and throw things at anyone who suggests a jog.My favorite game of the day, this is a really tough game to pick. Short week for both teams. Both coming off a win. Both with good defenses. I actually think the 49ers are the better team and will probably take them in my teaser. But they have to travel, which will take at least one day out of their preparation. For that reason alone, I'm taking the Ravens. But I don't feel good about it.
Dallas -7 vs. Miami
That makes it 3 for 3 on home teams. Unless you have a twister game to go to after dinner you are much happier to be the home team on Thanksgiving than the away team. After the game you get to go home to your family and save at least part of the day.
The cowboys are 20-13 on turkey day. Now 2 of those losses are to the Dolphins, but one was the Leon Lett snow game. If you don't remember, watch the first couple minutes of this video.
You're right, the Dolphins have won 3 in a row. Do you know who they were against?
Kansas City
Buffalo (who sucks now)
Washington
Besides Romo is great in November, he just morphs into our fat prom girl in December.
I'm gonna need a term for that. I'll come up with something. Happy Thanksgiving to all and good luck to you this week.
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