I do know that the little Huhn picked the "Horseshoes", of course he did. Not only that, but I would be willing to bet my left testicle that when the Menace makes his picks this afternoon he will slam that tiny little finger on the Colts logo. I'm fighting a lot of bad Karma from previous years.
All right. Refocus. Here it is:
As I left the dentist a couple of days ago, my gums throbbing from being dominated by the dental assistant, I couldn't help but think about how unpleasant the dentist is. Now I don't even hate the dentist, like my buddy Huhn does, but I got to thinking about how unpleasant the whole dentist experience is. You sit down in a chair and get leaned back into the prone position where all I can see is the ceiling. You have no idea where the dentist or the dental assistant is coming from. You have to be on 360 degrees of full alert. My favorite is when they lead in with the pick before they actually come into view, so all you see is the shiny metal hook coming right over your eye.
Quick word of advice to all dentists out there: if you are planning on seeing patients after lunch maybe you should avoid eating salami for lunch. Since your face is going to be within inches of my face, maybe you should avoid eating anything anything that is going to ooze out of your mouth like bad gas. Just a thought.
Back to the dental pick, cause this is my favorite thing about the dentist: cleaning the plaque off your teeth. The dental assistant is scraping and pulling and scraping and pulling, sending cool chills right down your spine. Then she slips and hits your gums with the pick, so my head naturally twitches just a little bit.
"Does that hurt?'
"A little, yes."
"You need to be flossing more, your gums are really sensitive."
Timeout.
You just stabbed my gums with a razor sharp titanium death hook and it's my fault that it hurt? I'm not flossing enough? Don't worry about apologizing. How stupid is this? That's like me coming up to you, stabbing you in the arm with a hunting knife, and then me telling you that you need to work out more cause that shouldn't have hurt. This is quite possibly the most absurd thing I've ever heard in my entire life. And it happens every 6 months.
So as I'm leaving the office, gums bleeding, mentally frustrated, I was thinking the dentist would definitely be on my naughty list. Yes, I can make a list, I am a lot like Santa. Big, jolly, and when I drink too much beer the next morning my belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly. Other things on my naughty list:
-old people (I mean old people who think they are owed something just because they are old. Old people who can't drive. Old people who suck at grocery store lines. Put your checkbook away Edith, it's 2011 for god sakes.)
-stupid people (there are more of these than you would think)
-speed limit drivers
-people who don't say "thank you" when you hold a door for them (makes me want to grab you by the horse collar and throw your ass to the ground)
None of these people get gifts this Christmas. The same goes for some people in the NFL as well. Let's see who made my naughty and nice list this year.
Denver -3 at Buffalo
Naughty: Entire Buffalo Bills organization. Ryan Fitzpatrick? $50 million? This is your own fault
The second thing is the "Tebow Mic'd Up" from the Chicago game. Watch this if you have about 10 minutes, it's really good. But I want you to pay special attention to what happens about 8:10 into the video. Chicago fumbles in overtime to give the Broncos the ball already in field goal range to win the game. All the Broncos players are jumping up and down and screaming, except the Chosen One.
Tim Tebow is this warrior, he just isn't killing anyone, that's my only explanation. Laugh if you want. But you'll be mauled by bears.
Cincinnati -4.5 vs. Arizona
Naughty: Arizona on the road, 2-5 vs. 5-2 at home. The Arizona Sun Devils for getting crushed by Boise State, who I hate.
Nice: Bengal rookies AJ Green and Andy Dalton are a good base for the Bengals to build off of. The Phoenix area. I would give my left testicle to live there.
Look, I have AJ Green in my TD only fantasy league. I am currently tied for 2nd. I need a win this week. It looks like he is going to play and Arizona gives up the 10th most fantasy points to WRs. The Bengals are currently tied with the Jets for the 2nd Wildcard spot. They need a win to keep pace and make the playoffs.
Tennessee -9.5 vs. Jacksonville
Naughty: Blaine Gabberts hair, not intimidating at all. Chris Johnson, for killing fantasy teams all over. Jake Locker, he's a husky.
Nice: MJD for having another solid year on a horrible team. David Garrard, he needs some love.
I don't want to pick this game. There are no winners here. Tennessee has nothing to play for and pretty much phoned it in last week. Jacksonville could send the team that beat Baltimore or the team the got pimp slapped by the Falcons. This could be Hasselbeck's last ride. So I think he plays well and goes out with whatever bang a guy who has been bald his whole life can muster up.
Kansas City -1 vs. Oakland
Naughty: Todd Haley. Carson Palmer, throwing picks like it's his job.
Nice: Sebastian Janikowski, come on his nickname is Seabass. Romeo Crennell.
Only a 1 point line, so essentially it's a pick 'em. I'm gonna ride the heater here, even though this is a classic emotional let down game. Plus if everyone in the AFC West goes 8-8, the Chiefs win the division. Back door shot baby!
New England -10.5 vs. Miami
Naughty: Bill Belichick. Tom Brady, who only throws for a bunch of TDs when he is playing against me in fantasy football. Patriots defense, man they suck. A wide receiver, who was a college QB, is their best DB.
Nice: Bill Belichick, yes he's on both lists. Reggie Bush. Wes Welker, when will this guy die? Rob Gronkowski.
DUM DUM DUM, DUM DUH DUM, DUM DUH DUM. . . . . . Darth vader music? Does that not translate through text? It sounded good in my head.
NY Jets -3 vs. NY Giants
Naughty: The whole Giants team, for killing me in my picks and bets all year.
Nice: Nobody, it's bunch of underachieving angry New Yorkers.
You know when a fat guy comes out swinging? When he's been backed into a corner, and doesn't have to run very far to catch someone. Granted Rex backed himself into this corner, but it counts. And the game is at home, so he won't be tired from traveling.
Pittsburgh -16 vs. St. Louis
Naughty: Ben Roethlisberger, he should just be here, you all know why. The Rams, how many years are you going to continue to suck?
Nice: Mike Tomlin, don't know why but I like him. Charlie Batch.
I really wanted to take the Rams here, but Charlie Batch, who is like 50 years old, is serviceable and the Rams suck.
Gotta make these last picks a little quicker, I just got the "Are you still working on your Blog?" from the wife. Time to make Christmas cookies people.
Washington -6 vs. Minnesota
Naughty: Whoever calls offensive plays in Minnesota. Give the damn ball to Percy Harvin. John Beck and Mike Shannahan, you both suck and just wanted to show your fans you could throw away a season in 4 games.
Nice: Toby Gerhart, how can you not like this guy. And how big did he get? Good lord.
Carolina -7 vs. Tampa Bay
Naughty: Raheem Morris, who looks exactly like a guy I teach with, except for he's black. How has this guy not been fired yet?
Nice: Cam Newton.
Baltimore -13.5 vs. Cleveland
Naughty: Baltimore and their two different teams.
Nice: Seneca Wallace, I think this guy can actually play if someone would give him a shot.
Baltimore won by 14 at Cleveland last time, they can do this. You can do this Baltimore. Say it with me: We can do this.
San Diego +3 at Detroit
Naughty: Ndamakong Suh. Jim Schwartz, I don't like him. Little bouncing chihauhau.
Nice: Phillip Rivers and Antonio Gates, you know why.
Riding the heater baby!! Two weeks left in my fantasy season, we need TDs. Stop running the ball at the goalline, Tom Brady doesn't do it. Throw it to Gates!!!!!
Philadelphia +3 at Dallas
Naughty: Tony Romo in December. Jerry Jones, 1 playoff win since 1996.
Nice: Andy Reid, lots of love for fat guys this time of year. LeSean McCoy, thanks for the TDs buddy.
We're on the trail!! We are on the trail!!
San Francisco +1.5 at Seattle
Naughty: False hope, damn you Seahawks. Jim Harbaugh.
Nice: Skittles. Frank Gore, on my fantasy team.
The 49ers are underdogs at Seattle? What's going on here? 12th man my ass. Where were you a month ago when it was a 1 score game against Washington and you all left? I hope the 49ers throttle them.
Green Bay -13 vs. Chicago
Naughty: Packers last week losing my teaser for me. Caleb Haine. Lovie Smith, are you alive buddy? Green Bay's defense.
Nice: Aaron Rodgers. Bears defense. Devin Hester.
How many B's are in Bounce Back?
Atlanta +6.5 at New Orleans
Naughty: New Orleans outside. The city of Atlanta, ever been there? There is a reason they call it the dirty south. Roddy White, for looking exactly like Julio Jones.
Nice: The city of New Orleans, seems like fun. Darren Sproles. Drew Brees.
The last 4 times these teams have played it has been a 3 point game. I think the Saint's win, but it's close.
Have a good Christmas, I hope you get everything you want. If anyone is looking for a last second gift for me, I would like a Nerf Bow.
Good luck with your week 16 picks
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